Shudder

26. Caught

*filler chapter but the last POV is super important.*
Song for Chapter: Brutal Heart -Teenwolf Soundtrack

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ZAYNS POV

Am I a bad person?
Do I deserve her?
Did I have the right to lie?

I lie in bed, her head on my chest, my arm wrapped around her waist as I stare up at the ceiling.

What am I so afraid of?

But I know the answer to all of those questions.
I'm afraid of him.
I'm afraid because I know she loves him more, and I'm afraid of the day she remembers she does.

Is it wrong of me to want to fix her? I keep trying to convince myself that it's not wrong to want her to be different. It's not like I want her to be a new person, or to change all that she was; I just want to make the constant shadow that ways over her head evaporate. She tells me it isn't there, she tells me it's okay, but you can tell.

It's the feeling of knowing how her lips feel against my own, but also feeling the hesitation she brings... and it hurts because I think I'm falling in love with her.

I'm just not sure if it's the dark her, or the her I'm fixing.

HARRYS POV

"It's safe to say that I am not yet happy.
Then again I can't say 'used to' because it's only been a few days and 'used to' sounds like I'm a recovering addict of 18 years. I feel like these appointments I do only help me learn how to talk. How to say the shit that's on my mind but not heal it. I'm stuck in the middle of this shit hole and all your making me do is talk about how shitty it is to be in this shit hole."

He hasn't been himself today. With each 'almost joke' I tell, he gives me an 'almost laugh'.

When your own doctor is having problems you realize that they aren't as good as you thought. They aren't super heroes, or magicians that turn you from a crazy man to a safe one. They are just humans; just a little bit smarter, normal humans.
And it terrifies me, because then you know that the only thing separating you to from being different is your own brain. It's weird to think about; and maybe it only makes sense in my own head.

"Harry you can't keep thinking that you're going to see drastic change after each visit we have. Many people take years to even see one change."

"I hate this. I hate what he did to me?"

"Who?"

"No one." My hands are already straining against the seat handle, turning white from how hard I'm gripping it.

"You were going to talk about your father Harry."

"Stop." My eyes are closed shut, my jaw squeezed tight to keep the words from flying out.

"That's what is holding you back Harry."

"I can't talk about him. I know that once I do I'll have to see the sunset -"

"What sunset Harry?"

"The one I used to see. The one that kept him away." I don't know why I'm shouting as I point to my head, and I don't remember ever beginning to cry before I feel the tears hit lips.

"Why am I this why? Why am I so fucked up?" I ask.

"We've run some tests Harry and we known why your emotions are so drastically up and down."

I don't listen to a word he's saying as I try to push my dad out of my mind with other things to think about.

"I get it now. I mean I don't but I will soon."