Shudder

37. What Do I Deserve?

Song For Chapter: 400 Lux- Lorde (Favourite Lorde Song)

*3 MONTHS LATER*

JESSIES POV

His kisses landed all over my cheeks as I giggled, pushing him away so he could focus on the road. His laugh is big- real- his smile shines under the evening light.

"I'm excited!" I squeal holding his hand as the car picks up down the highway. It's only 6 pm, and the moon has come out, the winter bringing in early nights.

"I'm glad I took this week off work." We've travelled all over Washington, something Zayn has never done. I've shown him all the museums, and sites despite the cold weather. We were headed to my last promise, the White House. Although I have been there numerous amounts of times throughout my life, Zayn has not. He's lived in Washington for years and has never seen what makes it so special.

"I am too. This is really nice." And it was, I'm content. I'm fine with all that has happened, since Harry's departure. The first month was dreadful, full of fights and bottled up anger, but as time passed we could do nothing but forgive and move on, even Louis and I have grown closer over the past few months - catching up every week as he gets better- I'm okay.

"I still can't believe you've never seen all the sites of Washington. You've lived here for years and you were never curious?" The traffic begun as the car slowed down. It gave Zayn another opportunity to plant kisses against my skin.

"When I came here I was just really focused on school babe, you know having a masters in psychology is my dream." I grab his hand squeezing it so he knows I'm listening as I watch the cars in the other lane speed past us.

We arrived after a detour from traffic, my hands still pressed in Zayn's. We park on the side of the road as I pull my jacket tighter around my torso.

"Here babe, let me." He rubs his hands together for heat, and slides mittens he had in his black coat pocket onto my small hands. "Oh, I forgot one thing." He grabs the side of my beanie before pulling it over my eyes.

"Hey!" I shout pushing the hat back up causing my hair to fly in the wind. We both laugh as he tucks the hair behind my ear. "Are you ready to go see Mr. President Obama?" I ask.

He chuckles as he grabs my now warm hands in his as we walk towards the house. "It's nothing special we talk all the time." I nudge him in the shoulder, trying not to laugh at his corny joke.

-

Looking through the gates towards the famous White House brought back memories- but then again so did a lot of things lately- I used to visit these sites with Harry everyday Zayn left me alone. We'd walk hand in hand the way Zayn and I are now and we'd talk about anything and everything, but all of that is a faded memory now. It's been so long that his small features I used to love have faded away, turned into a guess of the imagination.

Sometimes when I remember my love for him, I feel a wave of sadness come over me, like the tide lapping the ocean shore, and someday's it takes longer then others to pass, but it always does. I've finally read John Green, an author Harry liked, and I remember he wrote, "pain demands to be felt" and he is absolutely right. Once it's there it makes itself known, burns deep into your being and rests there, but the author forgot to add, "but when it slowly slithers away, leaving it's marks of existence behind, there is no greater feeling." and that's that I've learnt. That with each day I spend with Zayn is another day I feel alive, free, and it's because he is only rock I have; stable, sturdy. He makes me believe that there really is no other place like home because he will always be there, something I could never guarantee with Harry.

"Jessie." Zayn grips both of my hands. The stars are fully out, showing us the wonders of the sky as they twinkle beside the moon.

"Mmhmm." I say following him, so we stand in front of the tall dark gates.

"Do you ever wonder if the reason why people are so sad is because they choose to be?"

"Sometimes." I answer honestly.

His hands let go of mine as he blows on them, rubbing them together for warmth, "I believe that there comes a point in time where the problem that first started to make us sad stops- a fork in the road- and when the problem finally stops we either choose to move on, or we choose to keep dwelling on it. We dwell on the sadness because it consumes us. We're afraid of feeling that emptiness before the happiness begins so we choose to stick with sadness so at least we have something to fill us."

"Pain demands to be felt Zayn. We don't choose it, it's just there."

"No, it's there because we let it be."

"Why are you saying all of this, what is this about?" My ears were starting to grow numb from the cold despite the beanie, and I could feel the cold air sliding down my throat and to my chest with each breathe.

Zayn's hand reach into his pocket. He struggles nervously as he kneels down and my heart stops. A small box appears in his cold red hands as he looks up towards me. "What I am trying to say is that if you marry me you will never even have to choose. The pain will never be present, nor will it ever demand to be felt because I won't ever let it come that far. I will fight for you and our happiness and I will love you until I can't love any more. We deserve that much after all we've been through, don't we?"

"Zayn-" My breathe comes out in smokes as my hand rums along his jaw. A tear rolls down my cheek and I can already feel it beginning to freeze.

I love Zayn, I do.

I care deeply for his touch, his smile, his words. I want him near me until the day I die, but I don't crave him the way I do Harry. I don't feel an overwhelming burning desire for him. They are both so different, but so very alike, and although I don't want Harry, that doesn't mean I don't love him.

I could feel my heart beating in my chest, and the quiver in my knees. We deserved a shot. I earned something strong and stable, something to keep me happy forever and always, but will it if I'll always crave something a bit deeper?

"So Jessie-" He voice is as shaky as mine. "Will you do me the incredible honour of being my wife?"

*****************************

sorry for short chapter.
i've been really tired lately
but I felt the urge to write so :) xoxo