Shudder

33. Our Endless Numbered Days Part 1

Song for Chapter: Each Coming Night - Iron & Wine

*this song makes me cry every time. I love it so much and I think it matches the chapter.*

JESSIES POV

I got up today. I kept Harry's promise.

The black dress itches my skin and my hair is to long for my liking. It starts in an hour, and the paper that's been in my hand for the past day has marks of nervous sweat.

"You said you were coming." My knees wobble as I walk to sit on our small couch. Tucking my hair behind my ear, not looking at his eyes.

"I know, I'm sorry but I have work booked. I'll pick you up after though, or get a ride with Harry and we'll go get something to eat after." He scurries to put on his jacket, grab his brief case, eat the rest of his lunch. You'd think that your boyfriend would accompany you to your own fathers' funeral, but then again, I don't think much of anything any more.

"It's his funeral."

"I know I'm sorry. Dinner okay?" He treats this as if he's missing a move date, and it makes my skin itch even more.

"Okay."

"Good. I got to go. Bye." He steps over and kisses me on the cheek before closing the door to our apartment.

As soon as he is gone I stand up from where I'm sitting, walking slowly towards the wash room and washing off the kiss he just planted on my skin.

"I need a shower." I say to myself, "I need to get it off." So I turn on the shower to freezing cold, discarding my clothes and stepping in.

**

I stand on the balcony, my itchy dress back on, and my long hair still damp from the cold shower. The summer sun heats my pale itchy skin. 1, 2, 3. I count my steps one foot in front of the other. Leaping up onto the end of my balcony I spread my arms like a bird.

"I can fly." I whisper to myself. One step and I could be like the birds, one step and I can be with my dad. One step and I can stop feeling the black hole that consumes me.

"What are you doing?" Harry's hands wrap around my waist and he pulls me down, cradling me in his sweet soft arms. "Don't do things like that."

"I just wanted to fly." I say back, kissing him on the lips.

"Like a bird?" He says kissing my cheek and carrying me into the apartment.

"Mmhmm. You wanted to soar too. You've told me before."

"The difference is I'm a lost bird."

"Me too."

"No your just a bird that's got just a bit of a sore wing." The words he said made me hurt for him. He doesn't think he can be found, he thinks this is the way life is going to be for him. Numbness, and unfair. I don't want him to feel that way, but I can't help him. So I kiss him one last time softly on his warm lips and he sets me down.

"Are you ready to go? Where is Zayn?"

"He has work."

"I'm sorry"

"It's okay, I'd rather you." A small smile forms on his face as he stands up, fixing his tie and lending me his hand.

"This is going to be hard Jessie, but you promised me you'd try right."

"Yes Harry, I promise."

**

"Now we will have Jessie, Williams daughter say a speech." There's only 6 people sitting on the chairs that surround the 6 ft whole and his brown wooden casket. Harry, Louis, Leah, His best friend Daniel, his assistant Morgan and I. His casket is the colour of rich wood as his flowers are white lilies. My mother's favourite.