My Broken YOU

The Day

Once again, in the same year, I feel like my heart has been torn from my body. I thought Mason and I had an agreement. No matter what happens. No matter what we go through. Neither one of us would split up with the other. I think the most messed up part about all of this is he didn't say we were officially over.

As I step into my dorm room, looking at the empty walls and empty beds, a tear falls down my cheek. These past four years have been a blast. Even in the worst times, things have felt amazing. The silhouette of Mason's ghost appears in front of me. He and I were on my bed, sitting next to each other and laughing.

It hurts so damn bad; I don't even have words. Every part of me has been in pain for the past week. It's been one week since he left for Monaco, and I feel like an empty shell. He made the decision to leave me and not the other way around. I was not ready to slide a ring on my finger, but I meant it when I said he was the one I was going to marry someday. And even with him gone, I still plan on marrying him.
"I still can't believe he left you!" Ava says as she walks in behind me. "You two are soul mates and maybe someday you will get back together. And this is my last box."

"At this point, I don't care anymore," I say as another tear streams down my face. "I've lost so much over the past year. He was my new beginning. He made it clear after we broke up and got back together that nothing would ever end us and then he goes off and pulls this stunt. I don't know if I could ever trust us being together. I tell myself I am still going to marry him someday, and maybe I will. But how can I trust him and me together after he does this for a second time?"

"I don't know, babe!" She says, her tone sounding remorseful as she picks up her last box. "And this sucks even more! You and I are no longer roomies. No more parties. No more fun! I'm going to feel lost without you!"

"I know!" I say and cry harder. "I can't do this! My dad is gone! I could deal with Jared being gone! My mom isn't in the right state of mind! My best friend is gone! And Mason left me! I'm excited about this new job in Boston but damn it! I don't know where my life is going to lead me now!"

"Mason left you. Maybe forgetting Boston and finding something in New York would be a better choice?" She smiles and sets her box down.

"But there is nothing in New York for me, Ava!" I wipe away the tears now that they are finally slowing down. "I have nothing there why would I..." I pause as it dawns on me. "I'd love to live with you and Brayden! But I'd be intruding. You two are going to be getting married and I can't do that!"

"You can, and you will!" She demands, wrapping her arms around me. "Forget Boston! I'd say keep Boston but that was if Mason was going with. Even if he wasn't going with you still had him and we all know he would have. He left you! You have no one. I'm your girl. We are getting an apartment and there is plenty of room for all of us!"

"Ava!" I smile knowing she's trying her hardest to get me to go with her. "I need this job in Boston. I already found an apartment and the job will net me some new friends hopefully. I'm fine! It sucks and I know deep down it's going to hurt. But I need Boston so I can move on from Mason. I need this change."

"Fine!" She whines like a child. "I want you with me! I can't stand to see my best friend like this! But I understand too! And you're right. You will meet some amazing people. And besides! Boston isn't that far from New York. We got this!"

"Yes, we do!" I add and smile while she pulls away from me. "I love you, Ava! You're my best friend and it sucks that this is all over now and the reality is kicking in!"

She wipes the tears from her eyes and inhales a skipping breath caused by her crying. "This does suck. I love Brayden and I cannot wait to marry that man, but you and I were supposed to move out of here together and live together until we found our men. We planned it back during freshman year and now that I think about it, it sucks!"

"It does suck!" I agree and wipe away the tears from my face. "And there is nothing we can do about it. It's part of growing up and flowers don't always bloom together!"
"That was a horrible analogy, Maddy!" She coughs a small laugh while continuing to wipe away her tears. "I want to bloom with you! Damn it! I wish Brayden and I would have found a job in Boston instead of New York! It's probably better in Boston anyway!"

"Mason hates Boston!" I say while my heart skips a beat just talking about him. "And I need to stop mentioning his name!"

"It's okay, babes!" She smiles wrapping her arms around me one more time. "It's going to take a while to get him off your mind. And don't get mad but I am going to agree with Mason about one thing. He was right when he thought it was wrong of this company to start you not even two full weeks after college. I feel like they should have given you some time. Just to up and make you find a place and thank God you had the money to get a place! It's a little messed up. I don't like the way they have you set up."

"Have me set up?" I pull away and sit on the now-empty bed that I have slept in for the past four years. "It's a job. If things get too crazy, I can always find something else. If it gets too bad, I can always move back home with Mom."

"Or me!" She argues, raising her hand like we are in elementary school. "I told you! We have space for you and Brayden would be more than fine with it. I still wish you'd just come with us, so I know you're safe!"

"I can't!" I shake my head and wipe another tear. I feel like this has been a crying fest and I'm losing my battle with my tears. "Trust me, Ava! I would love to come with you! I'd love to still go find Mason! But I need to give this job a try. It could be the one thing that changed my life forever. I love you!"

"I will see you in a few weeks!" She says and slowly turns around. "We plan on coming to Boston to visit and stay with you, so you better have plenty of space available in your apartment!!"

"I do!" I say as she waves her hand again. It's obvious she's not wanting to leave but she has a ride to catch. "I will see you two then! I will miss the hell out of you until then too!"

"Me too! Maddy! Love you always and forever!"

"Always and forever, Avs!" I say while more tears begin to stream down my cheeks and my throat feels like it's clogged up. It's another knot in my throat which makes sense. My crying has destroyed my entire body this past week. I've never felt so tired in my life. I could sleep for a month straight.

The door closes and I lose it. My crying is going to become the death of me. I feel like I have nothing and no one even though this has all been my decision. I'm not ready to wear a ring but I could have said yes! I could have gone with Mason! I could have moved back by Mom. I can still go to New York with Ava and Brayden. Yet I choose not to and it's killing me inside.

I reach for the box of tissue I've been carrying around in my bag. Blowing my nose, I begin to realize that none of this is going to go away. None of the pain is going to stop. Missing everyone will continue for a while. This shit is going to hurt.

I'm literally moving to Boston on my own while everyone else either has each other or has gone home. Mason might have gone to Monaco, but he has a home there so it's not new to him like Boston is going to be for me. My heart hurts knowing he could be doing whatever he wants to do while I am about to start this job.

I exhale a shaky breath. "Maddy, what did you do?" I ask myself while trying to fight back more tears from forming. "I want Mason back! I want my dad back! I want my mom to be normal! I want Ava and I to get that apartment we were supposed to get!"

Life is about to take a huge turn and I'm not sure if I am ready.