My Broken YOU

Hard Truth

I was with him for five years. We were twelve when it started. We'd swear we would always be together. Our relationship seemed inseparable. Everyone who knew us in our small town knew we were the 'it' couple.

He made me feel this wonderful warmth inside of me. I couldn't be without him. His thumb would run across my cheek, creating a smile and a shiver throughout my body. It didn't matter if we spent an entire day together. The next morning when he'd show up, my heart would skip, and my cheeks would fill up from the smile that I could not take off my face.

Then I went to college, and he stayed back home. We tried making the relationship work, but it was hard. Why wouldn't it be hard? He was on the West Coast while I was on the East Coast. I still am.

The call was hard, forcing me to go home for a month. His death rocked our entire town, but most importantly...it sent me into a hard stage of my life. A loss I never expected, and I feel like it is all my fault.

Suicide was not something I thought he had in him. I knew him for far too long to know he'd never do that to himself. But what one thinks is true love can make people do things others would never expect. Me telling him that I needed a break is what sent him overboard. I know it. No one needs to tell me anything else.

What Jared did not realize before taking his life was that I considered the possibility of marrying him someday. We were already in a stage of 'taking a break' just by how far we were away from each other. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have never said anything.

The worst part is that my break from him was to experience college life at its fullest. I didn't want to cheat on him, hurt him, and hell! I had no intention of ever hooking up with anyone on campus. That's not me. But I needed that closure for myself, knowing I was single and had the choice open to me. I couldn't keep living my life bound to him, even though I thought I knew what love was.

My parents didn't believe we were in love. They say when I left, Jared changed. My dad kept tabs on him the first year I was gone and swore Jared was seeing another girl. Dad couldn't prove it, but he did take pictures.

Dad wasn't wrong. But it wasn't proof that Jared was cheating. Dad caught a couple of pictures with Jared and Rebecca. She went to high school with us and always had this attraction to Jared. She knew I had him and she wanted what I had.

The pictures Dad took were harmless. Pictures of them eating at the local restaurant or talking in a park. I think it's a little stalker-ish of what my dad did. But then it all stopped. Jared stopped hanging around Rebecca according to Dad, but then started to text and call me more than he ever had. It sounded like he was urgently trying to talk to me every time.

If he cheated, I would never know. But what I do know is that the last phone call we had changed my path forever. Jared's death made it where I plan on living here instead of going back home. There's nothing there anymore except my parents, but they even helped convince me to stay in Providence, or at least around this area.

Brown University has taught me that my hard work throughout high school did pay off and Jared as much as I hurt inside and miss him, he almost held me back and I am glad I forced myself out of there.

I spent endless nights and long days working toward getting the opportunity to go to this school and my father made sure to help pay for as much as he could with the limited money we had. I was able to win several scholarships, and the university itself thought very highly of me. But again, it's because of how hard I worked.

I've been proving to the university and myself over the past few years that I am a hard worker, giving straight A's and hardly going to parties. I want to explore more this last year now that Jared is gone, and I can't bring him back.

I hurt. I am still horribly hurt! But my parents, Jared's parents, all agreed that I have to move on with my life. I can always hold him in a small part of my heart, but I'm doing something for me, and I must continue forward.

My best friend Ava stood by my side this entire time all my pain poured out of me. It's been an entire summer, but the healing seems like it's still stuck there like the last little bit of a scab, or maybe a permanent scar.

Thanks to Ava forcing me to agree, our dorm room will be mostly empty this school year. Keeping my mind off what happened with Jared and trying to live my life like everyone wants is a main priority and Ava is making sure of it. Jared would have wanted this for me, anyway. It's time to heal and move on with my life.