My Broken YOU

Playfully

The way the sunrise hits in the morning in November is something I can't explain. The cool crisp air with that beautiful pink, reddish, amazing-looking sky brings a warm comfort to me. The empty trees and a few dead leaves underneath my feet are beautiful to me.

As a child, my parents lived in Wisconsin. November was my favorite time of the year. I used to stand outside as the sun rose and there was this feeling inside of me. I don't know how to explain it, but it was just a magical feeling for me.

When we moved to California, I was bummed I wouldn't be able to see that morning anymore. But now, I got that back. I've had it back for a few years, and it's a nostalgic exciting feeling that I enjoy feeling.

As I stand on the campus grass staring up at the sunrise, I am still lost on how it's been over a month, and no one has seen Mason. He disappeared and not even Brayden has heard from him. We all know he's alive because rumor has it, he had to return home for an emergency. But no one confirmed that. I believe it's because of that reaction on his face when we kissed. He was lost.

I inhale a breath of crisp fresh air. I've thought about that night a lot over the past month. I wanted to talk to him and get that feeling out of me, but he was gone the next day. I think he left that same night, not giving me a chance to talk to him.

I believe I know what true love is, because I had it with Jared, or I thought I did. But whatever feeling creeped out of me when I kissed Mason was something I had never felt. That feeling has been replaying over and over repeat in my head and I've even dreamt about it.

Exhaling a shaky breath, I recall the feeling of his hand under my chin, him pulling me in for a kiss. And then for him to argue why I didn't pull away and then run off into the night. He's conflicted, and maybe his running was a smart idea at that time.

The sound of one of the campus doors grabs my attention. I swing around to see a small group of people with their books in their hands, conversing with each other and smiling. I haven't smiled at all in a while. Ava hasn't been around too much. She's been busy with Brayden, and I've been mostly alone.

"Hi, Madison!" One of the girls from the group smiles.

"Hi, Lauren," I reply, smiling with a quick wave of my hand. "You guys heading to class so early?" I step out of the way as they continue walking, all of them smiling.

"Yeah." Lauren smiles wider, her hands carrying the few books she has. "We have two exams this morning. We wanted to be prepared for it. It's been a rough two months and I almost flunked. See you, Madison!" She waves her hand, bye.

"See you around, Lauren," I say, my tone light and almost mumbling. I wish I had more friends. But it's my fault. I've been the one to stay away from people. Even at parties, I've had people try to make friends with me, and I just kind of ignore them.

I turned around to walk back to my dorm. The steps remind me of that Saturday when Mason caught me from hurting myself. And my mind is stuck on Mason again.

I get inside, quickly heading toward my dorm room. There are a million reasons to want to go home for Thanksgiving this year, which is only two weeks away. But I'm fighting with myself on whether I want to make that trip. Even by plane, it feels like forever.

I'm only thinking about this right now, because Ava's little sister visited the other day, leaving a colored paper-made turkey. It reminds me of when I was in elementary school. Brown paper for the stomach and red paper for the face. Many different colors for the feathers. It's cute and it makes me miss when I was little.