Moonlight: Stars, Eclipses, & Full Moons

Fate's Beginning

Jongin's POV

Control is a very important thing for werewolves. Not necessarily control of others, though in the more traditionalist packs it's not an uncommon thing to find, but more so of ourselves. The ability to recognize what we're feeling, what those feelings may make us do, and then jump in front of it before it happens. The trouble is, our control is linked to our feelings and those are the very things we can't control. It takes years of dedication and discipline to even start to know how to get a firm grip on them, and even then, it varies for every person; methods that work for one won't necessarily work for another. 

It took me a while to figure out what worked for me, and as my life changed, I even had to learn to adjust the things that once worked. I suppose it would have been easier to do that if my parents had been around to teach me, but then again, such was the case with literally everything else in my life, so I didn't think it was fair to shove all of the blame on my personal trauma. And even with their guidance, I'm sure I would have stumbled a lot anyway. I'm sure I would gotten frustrated with myself and maybe I would have even still had a few accidents where the restraints couldn't hold me back. 

I can't say I remember much from that night, which is kind of customary when you let the full moon turn you. It was before we used strong, pure silver chains to keep us locked in place, and I think Joonmyun hyung severely underestimated how his newest pack member would do with his more...holistic approach to resisting the moon. We spent several hours meditating and finding what he called a spiritual anchor, which admittedly sounded ridiculous to me at the time. My usual strategy up until that point was to just hide from the moon in a dark place, so the idea that sitting in silence for hours would help was a little difficult for me to grasp. That lack of belief was probably why my first full moon in the pack didn't go very well. 

I remember looking around at everyone with their heads down and wondering if the whole breathing and finding a center thing was actually working. That ended up being a nice mental distraction for a while, but the the moment an open gap appeared in my mind, the moon slipped in to fill it. After that, my human consciousness was effectively silenced and the wolf took full control, following its own natural set of instincts. What I lacked in memories the next morning, I made up for in physical pain. I think it was mostly from the trauma of trying so hard to fight phasing (and you know busting through the basement door). The fact that the only trace of blood on me was my own was a good sign, though. But it still upset me. It felt like a major setback to the progress I had made since joining Joonmyun hyung's pack, like I was living up to the rogue, out-of-control lone wolf label so many people warned him about when he decided to take me in. I think that shame and embarrassment made me feel worse than anything I possibly did while I was out. 

That same afternoon, my repentance was to help repair the damage I caused to the house. It was minimal considering how bad it could have been, but it certainly wasn't a nice remainder to be faced with. "It's okay you know," Joonmyun hyung said. He hadn't really spoken to me directly all day, but I didn't sense any feelings of animosity from him, so I figured that was more because I hadn't said anything either. I was still having trouble looking him in the eyes, but I was at least able to turn my head in his direction. "Things happen, Kai, to everyone. It doesn't make you good or bad or say anything about your character. It's never easy to go against your instincts."

I dropped my gaze to the floor and pursed my lips for a while. "Do you think I hurt anyone?" was all I asked. 

"I doubt it," he answered rather quickly. "I haven't seen any reports of an animal attack all day, so the most you probably did was scare a few birds and squirrels." He chuckled, but I couldn't find it in me to do the same. I heard him sigh before I felt a hand pat my back a few times. "I don't fully understand why you're so hard on yourself, but I want you to know that you don't have to be. Not with us." He laughed softly as he adjusted the position of his feet. "I remember Baekhyun's first full moon with us, and boy did he roast us for our method of resistance. I think he actually called me a hippie. And so it didn't really work for him the first few times, but eventually with practice, it did. That's all you need, time. Everything you try rarely works out perfectly the first time. And anyway, the fact that you likely didn't hurt anyone speaks louder to me than the fact that you got out. So please don't beat yourself up, not too badly at least."

Deep down, I knew I wasn't the only one who struggled with control, but for some reason, that was never consoling enough to stop the thoughts from leaking into my consciousness. I didn't know other people's stories, but I knew mine and I thought I should have been able to be better. It's something that I don't know if I truly got over. 

I spent the rest of the day alone, the only way I knew how to come to terms with something I was upset about. I was able to kind of retrace my steps, I think, back to a wooded area I hadn't visited but felt eerily familiar. I looked around the area carefully, and nothing seemed to out of the ordinary at least not for a forest anyway. The space seemed perfectly still, which helped me convince myself that maybe nothing had happened last night after all. I was, however, startled when I heard the ground crunch under what I assumed were at least another two sets of footsteps. I jumped behind the nearest tree I could find so that my back was facing the source of the noise. 

"Don't fucking look at me like that. I know what I saw!" one voice said. 

"It was pretty much pitch dark out here. How the fuck do you know you saw anything besides an image your mind made up?" a different voice said. 

"Right because my mind is capable of conjuring up the image of an entire fucking werewolf."

"Well, considering how much werewolf shit you look at...although, maybe you're right. I doubt you'd have enough brain cells for that."

"Okay, you know what, I brought you out here for moral support and all you're doing is shitting on me and my interests. That is not supportive in the slightest."

"Then you should have brought one of your interest friends instead! You know I don't believe in any of this shit, Luhan."

They were still quite far away, but I could hear the other person start muttering under their breath in response. The only sound I heard from their direction after that was that of their footsteps.

"UGH! It had to be around here, it had to be! Evidence like that doesn't just disappear, it can't."

"Well, maybe this is nature's way of telling you to stop looking, at least until the next full moon. Now can we please go back? I'm cold and hungry and getting annoyed very quickly."

The other person didn't reply, but again, started to mumble as the sound of their footsteps began to retreat. Soon enough, they were out of my range of hearing, so I was finally able to relax and release the tension in my body. I didn't know if I'd ever forgive myself for escaping, so the last thing I needed was to put the entire pack's existence at risk. 

A/N

We are in the home stretch, y'all. I cannot tell you how relieved I'll be when I post the final chapter lol. I'll still be working on a few one shot requests, I'm hoping to have one posted next week, but those are going to be my main focus after I'm done with this.