Moonlight: Stars, Eclipses, & Full Moons

Every Step

Lily's POV

I would consider myself pretty strong. I can handle a lot of pain at once without complaining--at least outwardly. So despite all of the stories I heard from friends and family who gave birth, I thought it was something I could handle. I didn't expect it to be easy by any means, but I remember feeling pretty reassured that I'd be able to get through it relatively flawlessly when I first found out I was pregnant. Hell, I even told my parents I wanted to do a natural birth because how painful could being in labor actually be?

All I'll say now is that I'm glad I let Jaehyun talk me into keeping the drugs as an option. I could handle the swollen feet, the back pain, the constant peeing, and even the fact that none of my regular clothes would fit by the end of the second trimester, but as soon as I went into labor, I knew I was in for more pain than I had ever experienced before.

It felt like I was laying there for hours, impatiently waiting until I was dilated enough to start the actual birthing part. Dad and Jisung came and went pretty often since he still had to work and dad had to temporarily step back into his active alpha role since I had officially started my maternity leave. But appa was there with me for the majority of it, sitting with me and holding my hand and telling me about random stories he remembered from my childhood as they came into his mind. He talked a lot about memories during those days and because we all knew why, none of us tried to stop him. 

"Do you remember when you told us you were taking a year off? I tried not to show it, but I was shocked. I had already started picturing moving you into your dorm and imagining you being the most popular person on campus. It was pretty upsetting."

"Let's be real, I was never cut out for--OW FUCK--for higher education," I replied, wincing right in the midst of talking as a contraction shot through me and I twisted my body slightly. "I barely graduated with passing marks."

"Yeah, but college and high school are different. You could have done well, I'm sure." He was still flipping through a magazine he brought in from the waiting room when I turned my head in his direction, and I watched as he lifted the page to his nose and sniffed. "Woah, this smells nice. Smells like something your dad would wear," he commented, not-so-discretely tearing the cologne sample off the page and setting it aside. 

"Do you regret not going to college?" I asked him while the contractions had stopped for a moment. 

He looked up from the magazine and sighed thoughtfully. "Sometimes, but then I think about everything I would have missed out on, so I think there isn't much to regret," he said, looking at me as he answered. "I think every step we take leads us where we're meant to go. I didn't believe in that much at first, but your dad is pretty convincing." I chuckled and, of course, another contraction came and replaced every other feeling with pain. Appa closed the magazine and set it down on the windowsill before walking over to me. "Do you need more epidural? It has been over an hour since you lost got it."

I shook my head. "No, I'm--GODDAMN IT--I'm fine." I had already given up on my original intentions, so I at least wanted to try and push through as much pain as possible. He laughed softly at me and then grabbed the wet rag out of the bowl on the side table. "I think my favorite trip was the first one...to Japan," I said as he started dabbing the cool, damp cloth against my forehead. "I remember feeling so free, like I could do whatever I wanted. I miss that feeling sometimes."

"That's understandable. I miss my younger days too, even back before your dad turned me sometimes," he said, feeling the coolness spread as he touched the sides of my face with the rag. "I think it's only natural to want to go back occasionally, especially when you're in a lot of pain."

"You don't fucking say--oh, good fricking lord." I contorted my body again as more pain hit me, and I heard appa let out another laugh as he put the rag back in the bowl of water.