Moonlight: Stars, Eclipses, & Full Moons

You're Okay

TW - this chapter will contain descriptions of postpartum depression, so please read at your own risk. 

Kyungsoo's POV

I can't say I was ever someone who had high self-esteem because that would be a complete lie. I've always I had a baby face that never seemed to age and a weird body that was either too skinny or too chubby and never the healthy medium in between. The guys I was with never seemed to see these flaws and neither did my friends or the few family members that still talked to me. But that's the thing about feelings, they're our own, personal things unique to us and no one else. So, while having people say nice things about me and how I look is a good temporary confidence booster, it's just that--temporary. There will always be a lingering voice in the back of my head telling me they're wrong, often speaking louder than their voices.

And as much as I love my children, I'd also be lying if I said giving birth to them was any kind of remedy. It was not easy and definitely not fun. The aftermath is fun for the most part, you know, holding them and watching them grow into their own people. But like most things in life, you have to go through all the hellish pain before you can get to the good part.

The stretch marks were probably what bothered me the most. I researched so many ways to prevent them during pregnancy, but none of them worked as well as the articles suggested they would. Every time I would look in a mirror and see them, I could only cringe in disgust. They were everywhere it felt like, and some days, it felt like my entire body was covered with them. Of course, Jongin said they were barely noticeable, but I could never convince myself to believe him. To me, they were horrible. I could take the weight gain and the fatigue and the soreness, but those marks were just physical reminders of how undesirable I was becoming.

I think that's what sent me spiraling. First, it was hating the way I looked, then before I knew it, I just hated existing in my body entirely. I tried to mask it most days, but admittedly, it was difficult to act like it wasn't a battle motivating myself to get out of bed every morning. It felt like I was just going through the motions expected of a parent each day, but for the first few months after Jaehyun was born, I can't remember feeling anything else. I think that was the most hurtful part for me. After Lily, despite the major change in my physical and mental state, I was generally content. I looked forward to getting her up first thing in the morning, to spending time bonding with her, and soothing her to sleep. But with Jaehyun, even though I was doing all of those same things, I didn't feel the same amount of excitement when I looked at him. I loved him, but there were times when I felt like I had to convince myself of that. 

I didn't make sense to me honestly. I knew it was all in my head and that realistically, no one had said or done anything to trigger this depression, but that didn't offer me any comfort. If anything, it made it worse, made me feel crazier and more delusional than I already did. This mindset put a lot of strain on my marriage, at least I thought it did. I avoided sex for a long time and closed myself off emotionally as well. I hoped Jongin wouldn't notice or push it too much since raising a four-year-old and a newborn was a time-consuming and tiring task, but there were a few times when he did try to initiate ask me if I was okay.  He always seemed to understand when I made up a lie or said I didn't want to talk about it, but I definitely worried that he'd run out of patience one day. Then I worried that the kids would pick up on it too and start to think I didn't love them. It was all too overwhelming to think about at once and often made me check out mentally.

Jongin was attending a meeting with Suho one afternoon. I had gotten back from picking Lily up from school a few hours before, and we were working on her homework at the kitchen table. "Juna's f-f-family aaalllways had a l-large...jar of kimchi in...their f-f-fr--" I heard her stop speaking, but I didn't hear her calling me, so I only responded when I felt her tug on my shirt sleeve. Her eyebrows were furrowed when I looked at her. "Appa, are you okay?" she asked.