"The Shadows of La cosa pasado"

Chapter #18

I stared at my pale reflection, it disgusted me with the girl I started to become honestly. what choice did I have really. even though my coping mechanism I'm glad I left. It was miserable I was unhappy. Which was there any changes I did not regret? I don't regret my choices. it made me who I am today.  I always made sure to hide my emotional bruises. Pain is holding me back from healing. which I rather swallow the pain. 

I always told myself Lucas loved me that they didn't mean to hurt me. it was just stress of the moment. I always started to dissociate. The night I left he threw his temper at me. saying no one was there for him when he was in pain. which is a form of gaslight. but at the end of the day no one is going to come and save you but yourself. its been almost a month since I over heard this conversation. replay in my head since I'm a overthinker. 

I haven't been able to sleep therefore dark bags decorated my eyes. Whenever he was with his friends it seemed like they were important than me or at least tried to be emotionally available. but when it was with my friend diego it was whole different story. and would get Jealous with my female friend. said I was getting controlled by people. However, he only told his side of the story. now I'm ready to tell mine but was he there either he wasn't. 

Carefully approaching the door, I leaned in and pressed my ear to door to see if he was cheating. he had been cheating with that female friend and listened on the details on how he did it. he said he didn't trust that friend and would talk about them behind their back. but they would hide behind a mask. they both wanted each other in the end. I was the other women so I told him she could have him. if she wanted him he wanted her as well. that's why I cut them off. she spread information about the relationship. after I told her I wouldn't ever betray her. she posted said I betrayed her in what way or form. there was confessions he or she hadn't been telling me. they blamed it on personal issues. and said they both agreed on it. and he would talk about me behind my back. 

As I got upstairs, I realized the love I had for him was gone. I realized my self-respect for myself. I loved him very much. he broke my heart. he said he wanted a rich girl so I became a strong women. by myself without anyone's help. I became focused on my German shepherd cinnamon. which is my most loyal best friend of all. never betrayed me never would do that to me.  The haters became obsessed with me. copying every movement I do walk and talk. 

I wanted a man who is there for me. through thick and thin but I realized I was protected by god and the universe. god was the only best friend during that time of my life. I realized I wanted to become a better version of me for myself. so I cut both of them off. he said he doesn't have anyone who motivates him to study. It was my mistake for trusting them both. thats why I cut people off. I miss them but it was better. which is part of the process of this thing we call life. 

as a hopeless romantic I was worthy of love and respect I deserved better. I needed a hug I wish they were there. but it's for my own benefit. Delilah Gonzales you're the most kind-hearted human  being. he was just insecure I would have never cheated on the love of my life. love is like art when were apart you have my heart when were miles apart.