Looking Through the Cracks

Chapter 8: Breaking News

"Yes. Her name is Taylor. Isn't that right?" She said in a baby voice to the little girl, coaxing her away from her shoulder. "Can you tell the nice man who you are, sweetie?" Rebecca wiggled her fingers behind the little girl's ears, making her giggle. She then began to squirm, signaling her mother to let her down. Rebecca slowly lowered her daughter to the floor, like a fragile vase.

"She's beautiful. Do you mind me asking when she was diagnosed?" The reporter brought the microphone close to Rebecca's mouth.

"She was diagnosed three years ago. We were heartbroken when we first found out, but then we came up with the idea for this weekend. My husband and I figured we should do something to make our little girl's life the best it could be." Rebecca's voice began to shake, and she paused to gain some composure. "We knew we weren't the only ones who wanted the same for our daughter so we started this weekend for other kids like our own. It really helps. Not just for the kids, but for the parents as well. It allows us to develop a support group among everyone. It's certainly made the whole experience, well...more bearable."

"Well thank you, Ms.-- I mean, Rebecca. For those of you watching, this weekend isn't over. For those of you who would like to help your own children, or would like to volunteer this weekend, this will be going on for the next two days at Wildcat in Gorham." With that message, the reporter disappeared and was replaced by the predicted weather for the weekend.

Ivy was so entranced by the interview that she didn't realize B had returned until she felt someone lightly shaking her by the shoulder. Slowly turning away from the TV she looked towards him. Her eyes were wide with numb disbelief.

"Ivy, are you okay? What happened?" B was holding her at arm's length now, his anxious gaze scanning her body.

All her thoughts fighting to be vocalized at once, Ivy struggled to find the words to say that would ease the worry that etched B's face. Feeling like the Tin Man trying to speak after years of rusting away, Ivy managed three words: "That's my mom."

For a while B just stared at the TV, his expression thoughtful. Ivy thought he was about to speak when instead he wrapped his arms around her. The passion with which he held her said he'd experienced this kind of pain before. That for now, all Ivy needed was to feel safe and loved. Several minutes passed while Ivy remained in B's warm embrace, his hand rubbing small circles across her back. When she finally had the strength to hold herself up, Ivy pulled away from B, the trail of a tear shining on her cheek. Slowly, B lifted his hand, his palm cradling her cheek as he brushed away the streak. Looking into his eyes, Ivy could see his compassion radiating from them. Ivy wanted to fall into those eyes; Fall into those arms, and let his embrace make her forget all the obstacles in her life. But she couldn't allow it. Seeing her mom reminded her why she and B could never work.

Shaking her head, and B's hand away, Ivy scooted back on the couch creating some space between her and B. Angry not just with her mother, but with her whole life, Ivy's words began to flow like molten lava. "It's fine. She's obviously happier with this new family than she ever was with me and my dad." Ivy clutched one of the pillows against her chest, resting her chin on it. "I just don't understand why she left now. Before I just told myself it was because she couldn't handle the stress of what Dad was going through. But now she has a daughter suffering from cancer, and instead of running away, she chooses to take in all these kids suffering from the same thing...Why am I different?! Why did she leave me and Dad? Are we not suffering from the right illness? Do I need to be suffering from cancer for her to love me?!" Ivy's anger traveled to her fingers, making her fingers ache with a need to fidget. Picking up a piece of paper from the table, Ivy began randomly folding and unfolding it. There was no point to it, but it allowed her to keep her mind busy, rather than think about her mother.

When it became clear Ivy's momentary eruption had passed, B quietly spoke."Maybe you should ask her."

"How?" Ivy continued to stare at the paper as she folded and unfolded it. The only noise in the room was the paper rustling.

"You could go to Wildcat where she's hosting this thing, and talk to her." B watched Ivy fiddle with the paper like he was approaching a frightened animal.

"I couldn't do that. What if she doesn't want to talk to me?" Ivy said, convinced it was a bad idea. However, after a few minutes of folding the paper in silence, she said, "I mean, if I did go, what would I even say?"

B placed his hand on top of Ivy's, ending her pointless folding. She looked up at him. "You could ask her exactly what you were asking me. Find out why she left. Maybe she had a reason to leave. I mean, you are still her daughter. I bet she'll talk to you if you make an effort to."

Ivy looked B in the eye, "What if there isn't a reason behind it, and she just left because she didn't love me anymore?" Ivy's voice began to shake again.

Removing the paper from Ivy's hand, B placed it on the table before holding her hand in his. "That can't be why" he assured her.

"How do you know that?" Ivy sniffled, dropping her gaze from B's.

"Because it's impossible for someone not to love you." B lifted her head with his index finger, urging her to look him in the eye. "You're too amazing for someone to meet you, and not love you. Your mother must have had a reason behind leaving, and I promise I will help you figure out what it is."

"Why do you care so much?" Ivy asked.

"Because I care about you."

Ivy searched B's eyes for any sign of him kidding, but she knew she wouldn't find it.

"You...do...?" Ivy could feel her face begin to warm.

"Yeah..."

Looking into his eyes, Ivy couldn't help but lean in closer to his face. She knew this was a bad idea, but as she looked at his plush bottom lip, all she could think of was how she'd love to lose herself in him even for a few minutes. Right as Ivy's brain was about to lose the battle with her heart, she heard the sound of light tapping on the doorframe.

"Eh, hem." Alice cleared her throat as she walked into the living to find B and Ivy mid-kiss.

B and Ivy jumped away from each other at the noise. Ivy moved over to the other side of the couch, embarrassed. Dammit!

"I got some PJ's here for you. I figured you didn't want to sleep in your clothes." Alice said as she placed the stack of clothes on the glass table.

"Oh. Thank you." Ivy said as she avoided eye contact.

"You'll be staying in the guest room on the second floor. It's the first door on your right. B will show you if you forget." Alice smiled, trying to remove the awkward tension in the room. "And if you need anything in the middle of the night, I'll be right across the hallway. Okay?" Alice smiled again.

"Yes. Thank you, Mrs.--" Ivy caught herself, "Alice. I appreciate it." Ivy smiled back, her face slowly cooling off.

"No problem. I'll be in my bedroom if you need me at all." And as quickly as she arrived, Alice left the living room, leaving B and Ivy alone again.

Several awkward minutes passed before Ivy finally broke the silence. "It's pretty late. I should probably head to bed." Awkwardly, Ivy slinked off the couch before grabbing her bundle of clothes off the table. Before B could say anything, Ivy was out of the room, and running up the stairs. In her head, she reiterated "Second floor, first door, right" until she finally discovered her room for the night. Quickly ducking inside, Ivy leaned against the door as she closed it behind her. Finally, alone Ivy slowly slid down to the floor as all the tears she held back came gushing out. Your mother doesn't love you. Your sickness is worse than cancer. No one will ever love you. You'll never be happy. You're going to be miserable forever. That is until you forget who you are. Then you'll just be a shell of yourself. Hmmm? Which is worse? Being unloved or being unworthy of it? Decisions decisions... Sensing the feast of despair, self-hatred, and anger, Ivy's monster bombarded her with negativity. It was hours before it grew tired, and allowed Ivy to finally fall asleep.