Lost Smile//Connor Bedard

35.

Connor's POV

I took a breath. Nerves and anger filled my body as I walked through the office doors of my therapist. The office was nice. The walls were a nice grey colour, there was a front desk and a few plants in each corner of the room. Truth is, I knew I didn't need to see her, but my friends believed I did. I didn't want to go, I didn't need to see anyone. I was fine. I felt fine, I look fine. I. Am. Fine.

Right? Why am I even asking? I know I am.

"Hi there, do you have an appointment?" The kind lady behind the desk asks. I read the name on tag on her white collard shirt.

Anna Smith. She was an older woman, but her smile was warm and kind. I guess she had to be this nice. The people that walked through these doors were as fragile as ever.

"I'm Connor bedard. I have one with Vanessa Steen" I nod.

Anna smiled and nodded her head. She typed what I assumed was my name in her computer and picked up the phone. I sat down in the chair across from her and soon enough I heard some footsteps come down the stairs.

"Connor Bedard" the voice of Vanessa, my therapist calls. I sigh and raise my hand as I follow her up the stairs.

We reach a room at the end of the long hallway. She opens the door and I follow her inside. The room is similar to the one downstairs. Three brown chairs crowded the room, a small table sat in between them while a big desk was in the corner. I sit on one of the chairs as Vanessa sits across from me.

"It's nice to meet you Connor. I'm glad you chose to come see me" She smiles. She pull out her notebook and pen and begins writing things down. I am not sure what she would be writing as I haven't said anything, but I guess this is how this works.

"It's uh nice to meet you too" I give her a half smile. I feel myself get nervous.

"Now why don't you tell me what's going on" she places her pen down and looks up at me before continuing, "What brought you in here today?"

I shrugged and began telling her everything. From the beginning to where I am now. My friends bullying Angelina, our relationship, Taylor's suicide, my depression everything just came out like a waterfall. All of the feelings I had been feeling came out as well. I just couldn't stop talking. Tears flowed freely down my face as she began to jot everything down on her paper. She listened. She didn't interrupt the way everyone else would. I liked that.

"That is a lot for someone your age to have on your plate Connor" she begins as she hands me a tissue. "I can see where all of these feelings are coming from. I can see why you would be so upset. You are suffering from depression. Severe depression actually. The outbursts and sadness are all because of that. The one thing we want to prevent however, is suicide"

I sigh and nod, knowing deep down she was right.

"His suicide was your fault" a voice told me. I looked at my therapist and shook my head. She looked at me confused.

"It was all your fault Connor"

"No it wasn't. How the fuck could you say that" I yelled. I stood up from my spot, taking Vanessa by surprise. She looked at me confused. I knew she hadn't said anything.

"C-Connor what's wrong?" She asks.

"I hear voices in my head" I blurt out. I grab at my hair and yank it in frustration, "it feels like I'm going insane. Even Taylor has talked to me before"

"Why don't you sit down and we can talk about the voices" She gestures for me to sit down but I shake my head. I find myself pacing back and forth around the room. The nerves have taken over. I am no longer in my own head, I am losing it.

The anxiety. The depression. Everything is taking over.

"I-I hear voices and they're telling me his suicide was my fault" I cried.

"But it wasn't. Taylor reassured you in that note he wrote you. It wasn't your fault Connor. It never will be" She writes more things down on her piece of paper. I get curious as what she's writing but don't want to ask. Maybe she's writing down my personal info. Maybe it's what I'm telling her.

"That night. The night Taylor ended his life. What did you feel?"

I sighed, "I felt like a piece of me went with him. He was my best friend, the brother I never had. He was there for me when I needed him and vice versa. We were together through everything" I spoke, wiping my eyes. I haven't cried this much in forever. Can my water supply even keep with the amount of crying I've done today.

"I haven't been the same since he died. I'm always sad or angry. I rarely smile anymore. The hockey season was also canceled so there was something else I loved just taken away. I had nothing to be happy about" I continue.

"It's normal to have all of these feelings. Grief is different for everyone. Some people just go into a hole of sadness. They cry and cry. Some people surprised everything into what we call a balloon, and when the balloon bursts the outcome is never good" she explains, "And then there is what you're going through. The depression portion of grief. It is normal and very common. I'm glad you came here Connor. I can give you the help you need"

I looked up at her, "Can you? I didn't think I needed help. Everyone kind of forced me to come here"

She chuckles, "I can try to. It's my job to help you get all of those feelings out. I'm here for you to confide in me when you don't want to confide in anyone else. Most importantly when you feel like you can't. I will never judge you, you can tell me anything. I have heard it all before that's why I know what you're going through" She finishes with a small smile as she reaches over and grabs my hand in hers, she gives it a light squeeze. I can see the look empathy in her eyes as she gives me a small smile.

I smile back. I finally feel as if I found someone who can help me. Someone who understands. Someone who won't judge for my feelings the way everyone else is.

Maybe this whole therapy thing won't be too bad after all