Sleepwalking // Sam Fender

49

The walk of shame was me walking back to Alex's after not wanting to spend a minute inside of it just two months before. The other shameful part came after I had knocked on the door. I could hear Alex chatting with someone as he came close to the door.

"Alice?" He said with a frown after he had opened the door. "Jack, mate, I'll call you later, yeah?" He said to the phone. "What are you doing here?"

And I said nothing. I just kissed him. Alex quickly kissed back, and I wasted no time in coming into his house and closing the door.

"Alice" Alex said in between kisses. "Are you sure about this?" We both took a deep breath as we were gasping for air. "You were supposed to be getting married today"

"You knew?" I asked him. Alex simply lifted his shoulders.

"Well, Beth was going to stay with me but Sam called me to ask me for the huge favour of letting her attend to your wedding" I nodded softly. "It didn't turn out right, did it? You, comittment and surprises" I could have sworn that Alex was smirking as if he had warned Sam about this.

"Yeah, well Sam's a twat anyways" And with that we went back to kissing.

And the kisses quickly turned into something a little bit more heated. Even if Alex was constantly asking me if I was okay with it and if I wanted to take it any further. I must mention that Alex rarely was so insistent with consent.

"So what happened exactly?" Alex and I were both naked, in his bed, covered by a blanket. Alex was on his back as my head was on his chest.

"Not much. It all became a bit too much for me and I was not able to say I do" 

"Well, if that isn't familiar..." I could hear Alex's smile in his voice.

"It was you the one who almost ran away during our wedding, I must say" I replied.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that"

"Anyways, Sam and I got into a fight and Sam has no filter whenever he gets angry" Alex looked down to me and frowned. "He basically made a fuss about us kissing, complained about how he pays for everything and how he had to be there for me after Mollie... He's such a liar, he wasn't even there" 

"He did not... Well, he behaved, right? Like no hands were raised and no insults and that, right?" Alex asked cautiously.

I decided it was best to skip the part where Sam called me a whore. It would have felt too redundant as when Alex and I were just 'friends' I would often come to him with my boy problems. Some of them including the word whore being directed to me several times.

"And... Are you two... like, together?" I knew what Alex was trying to do. The first time we actually had sex, we ended up hurting one his best mates. I knew he was trying to make sure that Sam or me had called things off before our 'affair'.

"I really don't know" I sat down in the bed while Alex put his hand behind his head to strech afterwards. 

"What do you mean you don't know?" He asked.

"Neither of us called things off but if I'm honest, it would be a miracle if either of us decided to pretend that nothing happened" Alex nodded softly.

"So" Alex cleared his voice. "Technically, I was either your rebound or your lover, again" I looked at Alex.

"As if that made any difference" I said.

"Well" Alex sat down on the bed as well, looking at me. "I think it would have been nice to let me know before anything happened" I rolled my eyes.

"Sam is not going to come after you if that's what you are scared of"

"Alice, please. I can't care less about Sam. But I know you" He kissed my shoulder softly. "And I know what this is going to cause you, mentally. You can't punish yourself for this, okay?" Alex then sighed. "And I mean, it would have been nice to let me know that you're doing this out of revenge, not because you actually wanted to have sex with me"

Alex stood up and put his underwear now. "I wanted to have sex with you, Alex" 

"Don't lie to me, it's alright" I did want to have sex with Alex. But what was also true was that maybe I wouldn't have done it if Sam and I hadn't got in the fight, and Alex knew that pretty well. "What now?" He asked while standing up next to the bed.

"I don't know" I sighed, stood up and put on my underwear. "I have no idea. Sam kicked me out of his place so I'll start with packing my things and looking for a place to stay"

"You could always move here" Alex offered while scratching the back of his neck. I gave him a soft smile as I approached him.

"I don't think that would be a good idea" Alex nodded, knowing that I was right. "I should really try to figure out who I am without you or Sam. I cannot spend my life going back to you whenever things don't work out"

"I mean, I wouldn't mind at all" Alex kissed me softly. 

"You have to move on, Alex. I've already ruined many things and relationships for you" Alex glanced down while biting his lip as he knew it was true.

"I'm afraid this sounds like a goodbye" Alex looked back at my eyes.

"It's a see you later. When I have my mind clear again" 

"Alright" Alex remained in silence for a few seconds, observing me as if he was taking it every single inch of my face. "Don't become a stranger again" He almost pleaded. "And if you need any type of help, call me"

"If I need help, I will try to figure out how to solve it on my own, alright?" Alex's face was sad. As if he really understood what was going to happen.

"I still love you, okay? Don't you ever forget that, Alice, you're the love of my life" He kissed my forehead softly to give me a tight hug afterwards.

That was the last time I saw or heard from Alex in a really really long time. It was the last time that I was mentally stable as well, as the following months became an uncontrollable spiral of darkness and void.