It was impossible to put any distance between Sadie and me.
I was sitting on the loveseat in the small living room of the cabin checking my emails on my phone while Sadie took a shower and my brain kept on bouncing from one thing to the other. Finally able to produce thoughts that weren't influenced by the girl's intoxicating presence.
A sense of panic took over my body once the idea that the entirety of the country was soon going to be between us hit my brain.
How were we supposed to be able to be happy together if we were not even going to be in the same timezone?
Sadie had already mentioned that her New York schedule was a walk in the park compared to her Los Angeles schedule since she was working just with one brand while in my city, whereas she usually had several different projects going on at once back home.
That's where James shone, making it all fit into twenty-four hours while also keeping all the parties happy and Sadie alive.
I took a deep breath when I felt my fingertips tingle. Maybe I wasn't breathing enough and my brain was starting to lack oxygen.
I had to work on my ability to think and breathe at the same time. One would think it should've come naturally.
I was in my second year of the Ph.D. program, four more to go after the one that I had just started—give or take—and Sadie's life was a whole continent away.
My stomach churned.
It was the exact same predicament that had brought us to break up in the first place. Knowing we wouldn't live in the same city for many years to come. My chest tightened and I started instinctively counting the books on the shelves all around me in search of something practical that could ground me to the place and time I was in.
I loved Sadie.
I loved my program too.
As challenging and time-consuming as it was it still was so meaningful to me. It gave me purpose.
I had spent so much time telling my moms I needed to stay and see it through, even if it meant missing out on seeing Rory grow up and being further from all of them for much longer.
It wasn't a matter of priorities to me. It wasn't a this-or-that type of situation. It was me building my life for myself without every single bit of it being handed out to me.
When I was in the classroom I was just a number, I had to work just as hard as anyone else, no matter who my moms were or what job I already had lined up for once it was over.
The papers were ruthless but fair. The field was as even as it was ever going to get for me, and I couldn't bring myself to even think about quitting.
I also had just reconnected with Sadie. We had seen each other a handful of times over a very limited span of time. I knew nothing of what the future held for us.
There was Ember.
Sadie's PR girlfriend.
I didn't know what their contract or agreement looked like and what that meant for Sadie.
Did she have to go around kissing a model at public events for long? Did they have to go around and be photographed together in random public places to sell their relationship as authentic?
The thought made my belly ache.
Just when I was right about to drown in my self-pity and sorrow the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen entered the room and threw a momentary thick haze over all thoughts that didn't concern her beauty.
