Drawings on the Pavement

Chapter Thirty

~Leon's pov~
"Look after Rose for me," Logan's last words to me echo through my mind.
How am I supposed to do that?-she hates me.
I frown. Why would he ask me to look after Rose? Last time I checked he hated me too.
And it's all my fault.
Why am I such a d*ck?
I sink into a waiting room chair.
This was déjà u.
The same fateful day all over again.
It happened four years okay and each moment is still burned at the back of my eyelids. Tattooed there, ready to attack me with grief when I least expect it.
The last time I was at this hospital I lost my best friend.
~*~
"Mum I'm leaving now!" I say to mum as I join her in the kitchen where she was trying to make herself a smoothie.
Some weight loss thing.
I gently push her away and turn the blender on for her.
"Thanks Leon."
"That's okay. I'm leaving now."
"Okay sweetie have a nice day."
I sling my backpack over my shoulder, and give her a kiss on her cheek before walking out of the house. I take the shortcut through the old cat lady's house to Anna's house.
I try to be as stealthy as possible because if she catches me than I'll be roped into a conversation on cat food prices which is not exactly the conversation that thirteen me wanted to have.
I make it to her house. It's nothing like my house. Her house was one of those picture perfect houses with the white picket fence.
My house was small and damaged backing into the little hole in the wall Chinese place. We were renting it.
I stand outside the front gate scuffing my shoes on the pavement waiting for Anna to come out.
I stare at the house expectantly waiting to see the familiar head of blonde hair to appear.
The giggly giddy girl that I had fallen for.
Sure I was thirteen but I've known Anna forever and I genuinely think she's the one for me.
If only she could open her eyes and see that.
She was dating stupid Jackson.
Stupid Jackson. Stupid Jackson. Stupid Jackson.
I curse his existence.
She didn't appear after about twenty minutes so I go and knock on her front door.
I'm half expecting a flustered Anna to open the door full of apologies.
But she didn't. Instead her mum opened it.
"Oh hello Leon," She chirps.
"Hi Mrs King. Is Anna here?"
"Oh honey she's already left with Jackson."
Stupid Jackson.
My happy mood shrinks "Oh okay. I better go then."
"Bye dear."
I walk back to the front gate and check the time.
Shit I'm gonna be late.
I have to run to the bus stop in order to not be late.
By the time I get there I swear that I hate Anna but as I round the corner I hear her laugh.
Her angelic beautiful heavenly laugh, and I can't hate her.
I know I can't hate her. She's amazing in every single way. Hating her was impossible.
I just make it to the bus that day. It's about to pull away when I get there. When I get on Jackson's snickering at me with a bunch of his buddies like I'm the punch line of some joke.
His arm is slung around Anna.
~*~
I don't know at one time Rose falls asleep. I gave her some space for a bit but then she began to cry and it was the most heart shattering sound that I had to comfort her. I was half expecting her to push me away and remind me of all the horrible things I've done to her and that I wasn't worthy of comforting her.
Because if she did she would be right.
But she just let me hold her.
Once I realized she was asleep I slip my hoodie off and put it under her head as a pillow.
I get up and stretch. I look at Rose and can't help but smile.
She was adorable when she was asleep.
Jesus Leon what the hell is wrong with you.
She's grieving the love of her life being in surgery which he may or may not wake up from and I'm here marvelling over how cute she was.
Get your Shit together Leon.
Coffee. Go buy Coffee.
There was a cafe on the bottom floor of the hospital for desperate family members who were pulling all-nighters waiting on news of loved ones.
I ordered some cheap coffee and it tasted pretty bland but I was grateful for the caffeine.
I find a table near the window that overlooked the hospital carpark.
I watch the morbid faces of frantic family members. I watch them slowly trying to wake up from another night curled up on a waiting room chair.
No one here was hopeful, all the hope had been sucked out of them and they were just waiting for the long haul to be over now.
I knew that most of these people were family of people with terminal diseases.
My mum used to work as a nurse here and today me about only the desperate drink the coffee from this place.
She stopped working here to become more family oriented which meant to baby me.
I still had my moments and I knew she wanted to be there just in case.
My dad walked out on us when I was seven. The prick.
I check my phone to see a missed call from my mum.
I groan remembering that as soon as I go the call I had dropped everything and gone to Rose's aid.
My mum must be freaking.
I run my hand through my hair and call her back.
"Leon? Where are you? I've been worried sick! You just disappeared!" My mum's concerned voice came pouring out of the phone speaker.
I swallow "Mum I'm okay I'm at the hospital."
"What?! Why?! What's happening?!" She says frantically.
"I'm fine Ma," I reassure her. "I'm here for a friend," I tell her before saying my farewells and hanging up.
I guess Logan and me are friends now.
I stare at my coffee wishing that I could've change the past.
But you can't change the past.
No matter what you've done it stays written in the book of history unable to be erased.
~*~
I met Anna in science dropping my bag near the stool next to hers.
I hadn't talked to her all day and I was craving my daily dose of Anna.
I needed her love and attention.
I needed to know I still meant something to her.
She's the only one in this school who doesn't treat me like something they just scraped off their shoe.
"Hey," I say.
She smiles brightly "Hey Leon!"
I smile back. Her smile was infectious.
"How has your day been?" I ask.
"Great!"
Well that makes one of us.
I nod "That's good."
I don't tell her that this morning I've been pushed up against a locker and called a faggot seven times.
New record.
"You should've sat with us on the bus," She says.
"It's not really my crowd, Anna. You know that."
She sighs "I wish you and Jackson could get along."
"Tell that to him," I mutter. Out of the seven times I've been called a faggot this morning four of them were said by him.
He was also the jerk who pushed me into a locker.
"I think if you get to know him you might like him," She says optimistically.
I highly doubt that.
Anna was so naive some times. She was completely unaware of the bullying situation.
Well she knew about it but I think she thinks it stopped when we started high school.
The first time we met was in kindergarten when some kids were picking on me and she came up and yelled at them to stop it before punching one of them in the gut.
Then she freaked out about punching someone and I had to calm her down.
Instant friendship.
"Do you wanna hang out after school?" I ask desperate to Change the subject.
"I can't I've got a date with Jackson at the park." She says.
Stupid Jackson.
"Oh okay."
"Sorry Leon."
"Nah its fine," I say trying to hide my disappointment.
In the next four hours before school ended I was call a faggot four more times- three of them by Jackson-, Pushed up against another locker- Again Jackson- and tripped over- not Jackson but when of his groupies.
It was actually an okay day compared to others I've had.
That was until the afternoon.
~*~
I buy Rose a coffee and a pink fluffy teddy bear.
I don't even know is she likes coffee but I figure it's better than fighting to keep her eyes open.
Rose is awake when I get back.
She straight away hands me back my hoodie obviously embarrassed that she had to use it as a pillow.
I hand her the coffee. "It tastes like crap but at least it's something."
"Thank you," she says and we fall into an awkward silence.
"Is that for your sister or something?" Rose asks trying to make conversation, pointing at the stuffed bear I'm holding.
"No I...I actually bought it for you." I say sheepishly.
She looks over at me. "Really?"
I nod and hand it to her. She squeezes the teddy bear.
We sit in silence for a while before I realise that she was suffocating the poor teddy bear.
"You know it doesn't matter how hard you hug that teddy bear it won't give you any love back."
She looks at me confused and I open my arms awkwardly and she stares at me.
Well this is f#%king awkward.
She eventually shuffles over and hugs me.
She smells nice.
Well that sounded creepy.
"Rose I am so sorry for everything I've done," I say softly. "I know I don't deserve to apologise for what I've done but I promise from now on I will protect you no matter what and even if you don't want me around I'll still watch over you. And I mean that in the least creepy way possible."
"Is this because Logan told you too?"
It didn't surprise me that she heard what Logan said to me.
In the fluster and hurry the whirlwind of an afternoon happened in it didn't surprise me that she was in close proximity.
"Rose even if Logan hadn't told me to look after you, I would've done it anyway."
She snuggles closer to me. "Thank you Leon."
"It's the least I can do."
~*~
Anna and Jackson we're currently climbing one of those rope tower things at the park and I was currently sitting in a tree watching them.
First of all I didn't follow them here. I just sort of ended up here.
And secondly the only reason I was in the tree is so that Anna didn't see me and accuse me of stalking her.
I watched as Jackson convinced her to go higher.
I wonder if he knew that Anna was deathly afraid of heights ever since she fell out of a tree and broke her arm.
I wonder if he knew that I was the one who comforted her and sung her a lullaby to keep her from freaking out.
I watch as they climb until both of them are standing at the top observing the world around them.
She's laughing but it's a nervous laugh. Her nervous laugh had a different tone to her normal carefree laugh.
She was scared.
Jackson being the idiot he is starts shaking the rope tower.
Stupid Jackson.
"Jackson stop!" She shouts but instead of stopping he keeps shaking it.
Stupid Jackson.
"Jackson don't!" She warns and he shakes it harder still.
I was getting worried now. She sounded terrified at this particular point.
"Jackson..."
Suddenly her grip falters and she's not holding onto the rope tower anymore.
I'd like to say it happened in slow motion but it didn't. It happened in a quick blur.
She fell.
I don't know what the scariest part was. The way she violently hit the ropes on her way down or that she didn't even scream.
She landed on the ground with a thud.
"Anna!" I yell. I jump out of the tree, my feet hurt on impact but I don't care.
I run faster than I've ever ran before. I'm with her before Jackson's even halfway down the tower.
He calls something to me along the lines of 'were you stalking us?' but I don't care.
At the moment I'm only worried about Anna.
She's not moving. Why isn't she moving?
"Anna! Anna!" I yell tears trailing down my face. "Call an ambulance!" I yell to Jackson assuming he's still there. "Anna!" I'm sobbing now.
"I'm here Anna," I sob "I'm here. Just...Please Anna wake up, squeeze my hand anything! Anna! Anna please! Anna!"
She didn't respond.
Not even when the paramedics got there.
Not even when they took her back to the hospital.
Not even when they got us to say our last goodbyes.
Not even when they pronounced her dead.
She never would respond to anything ever again.
Anna was gone.
My best friend, the girl who held my heart.
Gone forever.
~*~
I felt sick.
Just a nauseous feeling.
It was probably due to all the stares I was receiving.
Logan's mum reappeared after a while. I don't know where she went exactly but she came back with dark circles under her eyes which were bloodshot.
She was a mirror image of Anna's mum when she'd shown up at the hospital. They both had the same vacant, lost expression, the same new set of worry lines which would never fade away and the same hollowed look in their eyes.
Bryce showed up soon after and he was the one who started the murderous glaring.
He didn't want me here and I could understand why.
Rose tried to explain it to him but everything she said to him seemed to go in one ear and out the other.
He hated me.
Rose called Jessie and she was currently catching a train back home from wherever her family was on vacation.
By the time she gets here this will all be over.
She will be either joining in the celebrations or in the mourning.
A girl I vaguely knew came looking distraught. Rose hugged and comforted her which surprised me because I knew Logan and this girl were close and the look that Rose used to give her was the look she usually reserved for me.
I really wanted to leave. I wanted to escape from their excruciating stares.
But I was here for Rose and I wasn't about to leave her now.
Rose sat the sobbing girl next to me.
"Are you okay?" I asked her.
She looks at me with the bloodshot eyes that everyone seemed to have.
"No I'm not okay," she sobs before curling up facing away from me.
I think her name is Leona.
"It's alright not to be okay," I say. It was the exact thing my mum had said to me.
"Why are you even here?" She asks "Logan hated you."
She was right.
She shakes her head "I'm sorry I didn't mean that."
But we both know she meant it.
~*~
The goodbyes were held in a procession of people who loved her. Jackson went first.
He came out with not even a single tear in his eyes.
He left after his goodbye.
He had football practice that he couldn't miss.
Stupid motherf#*king Jackson.
Her grandparents went next, than her aunties and uncles and then me before her parents.
I went in to find her laying there and I went and held her hand.
"Anna," I say and it's all I can make out before I break down into sobs and cries.
"Anna I love you," I choke out. "I love you! I've always loved you! I-I."
I can't say anymore.
My last goodbye turned into me just screaming and crying.
I don't remember who dragged me out of her room.
It didn't get any better after that.
~*~
It was about the time when Logan's relatives begun to arrive that I decided to leave.
I didn't know Logan. I was an imposter.
The way Leona and Bryce looked at me made it clear that I wasn't wanted here.
I went out to my car and begun to drive. I didn't know where I was driving too until I got there.
Anna's favourite tree.
Anna's ashes were scattered under a giant tree that she always used to climb
I stare at it, the only sound was the radio. I remember watching her climb it, worried she might fall.
She never climbed very high but I was still scared for her.
Than her favourite song begins to play.
Hallelujah.
It was so like Anna.
To have song taste beyond her years.
"Well I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music do you
Well it goes like this:
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah"
I'm crying now. My vision blurred so much so that I can't see the tree anymore.
I remember the day Rose had caught me crying at the bottom of this tree.
It was her birthday.
I close my eyes and sigh.
I made a realization then, in my car, underneath the tree with her favourite song finishing on a sweet note.
Anna was gone.
I couldn't protect her anymore.
But I could protect Rose.
And I would.
"Goodbye Anna," I whisper
I reverse away from the tree and drive back in the direction of the hospital fiddling with my radio trying to find music that sounded heroic.
~*~
The funeral was unbearable.
I told them about Anna and I cried but most of all it just hurt.
School was worst.
Anna was my saviour, the only reason I survived through it but now she was gone there was nothing keeping me from hurting.
The next few weeks of school passed in a blur and I didn't even bother to try to make sense of it.
Day after day went by and I just felt numb.
My life was a living hell without Anna
I don't know when I start fighting.
I think it was the day I caught Jackson sucking face with another girl.
Yeah that was probably it.
I went from the bullying victim to the bully.
I threw punch after punch day after day until I was eventually expelled.
I didn't know what I was doing as my life was surrounded by this haze that I couldn't shake.
Mum sent me to see a therapist and I guess it helped a little.
Who am I kidding it sucked.
I couldn't sleep and I was diagnosed with some sleep disorder and given medication.
Everything went over my head and all the words people said to me just all blurred together.
The only coherent thought I could form was of Anna falling off that tower.
Which was pretty damn inconvenient.
Pretty soon though the blur begun to focus and mum started me in a new school.
It was the fresh start I needed.
That was until I saw Logan.
Or at the time who I thought was Jackson.
They were almost identical.
Even though Logan seemed more relaxed and overall nicer than Jackson it didn't stop the fact that they looked so similar.
It didn't stop the instant hate that formed.
Rose was just a girl back then. A girl that Logan happened to like. Someone who I could use against him.
I sometimes check Jackson's social media pages to see that he looks nothing like Logan now.
But the blur came back some days and that's when I made both Rose and Logan's lives living hell.
I wasn't myself.
The next day I would be full of regret but how do you explain something to someone that you didn't fully understand yourself.
It was just easier to be hated.
I took her into that stupid janitor's closet, I stole his phone, I said disgusting, menacing things.
How do you justify that?
I was the scum of the earth and I knew it and still do.
These are the mistakes I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she'd never gone to the park that day. I wonder if she would've eventually broke up with Jackson.
If she would've fallen for me.
If we would've had an epic love story like Rose and Logan's.
~*~
It's been hours.
I sit next to Rose and she automatically lets her head fall on my shoulder.
It feels nice.
"Why did you do it?" She asks.
"Do what?" I ask softly.
"Do everything. All the bad stuff you did to me. Why did you do it?"
I sigh "I am so sorry for that. It's a long story but that doesn't make it right."
"I have time," She whispers "And plus how do I know if your worthy of a second chance or not."
So I tell her the story about Anna and me. I don't know why I tell her. Whether it was because she needed the distraction or that I was beginning to form a crush on her.
Either way I told her and she told me she forgave me and that she was sorry for my loss and that I deserved a second chance.
She liked the part when I told her a drop kicked Jackson's ass.
I also told her about how that she kind of reminded me of Anna. How she was kind and bubbly but serious too.
How she was a person destined for great things and deserved a great and happy existence.
She liked that part too.