rough patch hardin and tessa

chapter 33

tessa
"its fine tessa they belived me.he is not dead.sadly either.but he will be next time i see him"he says.
"i was just scared.i didn't want him to kiss me."i say putting my pills in my mouth.hardin passes me water for them.
"is it bad that i feel bad"i ask.
"i wouldn't feel bad.id be proud because he is a dick and im proud of you for doing that"he says"but thereasa always feels bad"
"you never feel bad about anything"i say.
"i do.whenever ive done anything to hurt you"he says tucking my hair behind my ear.
"are you mad at me for letting him in"i ask and  he shakes his head"you thought he was going to be friendly"

hardin tells me to go take a shower to try and make myself feel better and he will look after em.
i look at my face in the mirror and i feel and look so drained.my undereyes are dark.my eyes are red.and my body looks like shit.i need everything to just be okay.not like this.

hardin
i dont think anyone knows how angry i am that zed came here to tessa acting like he was going to be normal.when in reality he was trying to manipulate her.she is so tired and needs a break.she doesn't need zed being a dick and causing her stress.

new borns nap alot and when im mean alot.i mean alot.there easy.you feed,wind and then change,sleep then play if the baby actually wants to.emery is to small to play yet.she just lies underneath her baby jungle stareing into space until she drifts asleep.
but when emery has belly ache,especially at night,she will keep everyone awake crying.
this past month i have been the one to do feedings in the night as i just want tessa to rest as much as possible till she feels like her normal self.because she certaintly isnt.

after tessa finnishes showering.she comes into the livingroom were i am.she is wearing my hoodie and joggers.her hair is dramp,and i can  see her curls a little bit.ive just put emery to sleep after changing,feeding and winding her.
tess comes up to me and cuddles me.she looks beautiful.
"are you okay"i ask wrapping my arm around her.
"mhm.i just want you next to me"she mumbles
"you look so pretty right now"i whisper in her ear and she shakes her head.
"that's a total lie.i look a mess.i literally gave birth a month ago and i look as if i did yesterday"she groans.
"you still look pretty in my eyes.plus you have ppd and you cant help that"i say and she closes her eyes.
"i love sleep.when im asleep everything doesn't fall apart"she says.
"nothing is falling apart baby.not our family anyways"i say

few hours later.
"do you want to feed her"i ask and she nods.she is in a better mood now.
"she is still so tiny"she beams as she picks her up from her baby jungle matt.
i shake the bottle of milk and pass it to her.
i secretly snap a photo of her and emery because she looks gorgeous and smiley in it.
"look"i show her the photo.
"my hair is so frizzy in that"she says.
"still you look happy in it"

"my mum has been texting me"i say.she has been texting me she wants to see emery desperately but ive been putting it off because of how tessas health was mentally and physically.i mean she isnt still the best but i think she wants to see my mum more than i do.
her eyes widen and she smiles"about coming here"she questions and i nod.
"when do you want her to come here.i know you have been struggling but i thought youd like her here"i say.
"anytime.im more comfortable your mum seeing me like this more than my own mother"she says and i type a quick message to my mum.
"have u spoken to her at all"i ask and she shakes her head.
"not since i found out about being pregnant and she wasnt happy"
"maybe you should try and talk to her"i suggest and she shrugs.

"she will probably think i want money or somthing"she says.
"well you dont need money dont you"i say as we have enough money.
"im just tired of trying to get her to accept the way i want to live and who i want to be with.because she never will"she says.whixh is true.carol is never going to like the fact that tess is with me and loves me.
"but i will try"she says winding emery but she is half asleep.

tessa
with having these pills these past 3 days i have felt better.but its just so annoying when they wear off.i want to have energy.i want to be awake and not sleep 24/7.i do not want to look like i haven't had sleep for 10 years.

"today i talked with lawrance about working from home"he says.
"what did he say"i ask.
"he said its fine.which im happy about as i can fo what i need to do whenever.without fucking lawrance nagging me and trying to overwork me.plus i dont like being away from you or her.and when im overworked and angry.we argue and shit. i hate it"he explains and i agree with every bit of it.
"im happy with that too.i went insane when your were not here when i was pregant.but i think i would be even more insane without you here now"i laugh.he is really helpful.he reminds me when i need to take my pills and is just there when i just need confort because of my terrible halmones at the minute.
"i went insane too"he replys"shall i cook dinner"he asks.
"we could cook it together.she is asleep now"i say laying her in her small cot we have from the living room.