Unkindled Love

Chapter 28

Gautami's mind had been in turmoil for the last three weeks. At times, she would feel that Professor Collins would arrange a scholarship.

But the uncertainty would creep in and she would doubt her own ability. It had been ten years since she had discontinued her studies.

Could she catch up and compete with the students who were much younger than her?

Would it be possible to concentrate on her studies?

Had she taken the decision merely in anger?

Was it a proper decision?

There were thousands of questions in her mind and she was notable to answer any of them.

Abhyudaya had called her many times in those three weeks, but her replies had been to the point.

When Vasudev Shenoy and his wife visited Bangalore, Gautami duly took care of them as per Abhyudaya's instructions.

And then one day all her doubts were settled. She got a reply from Professor Collins.

She opened the letter impatiently.

'It is quite natural for a scholar like you to wish to become a student again.Getting a scholarship for you is not difficult at all. As there are many things we need to discuss, I feel that you must come at least one week before the term begins. Please do not discard your writings thinking they are outdated. Do bring them. I have asked Dorothy to look for a small apartment for you near the university.

Being a vegetarian, it would be better for you to be on your own, than in a dormitory. Until you find something, you can stay in our house. I consider myself lucky to have a student like you at my age. It is rather difficult to have good research students. Dorothy is excited at your arrival.

Gautami, there is no age limit for learning. One who has a thirst for knowledge is a true student. If you have any doubts in your mind about your competence, please forget them.America is not an unknown country to you. I am sending you the visa papers so that you can come at the earliest.'

Gautami read the letter over and over again. Yes. She could become a student again. She felt life had opened a new door for her. This time, she was making a decision with her head, not with her heart.

Sitting in the balcony, she daydreamed about being in a university campus, reading in the library, studying in the classrooms, discussing in the seminar hall.

In such places, only knowledge is respected. There is no business talk or pretensions. There is no profit, no loss.How beautiful her life would be!

How had she not considered it before, she wondered. In life, beauty, power, money, health, youth are not constant. Real wealth is knowledge.

The more you give, the wealthier you become. That is the reason why teachers are great. Because they spread their knowledge every year to many many students, without expecting any rewards or receiving any favours.

But after the excitement had died down, Gautami became a little worried. Once she was gone, who would look after Abhyudaya?

Of late, due to continuous tension, his health was not so good. If she wasn't there, it would cause a problem for him.

She felt sorry for Abhyudaya as he had no idea about money or household matters. He would just sign wherever needed. He had so much faith in her that he would not even carry a wallet. If she went away, what would her mother say? What would people say? Would they gossip about their marriage? These conflicting thoughts pulled her in different directions. Her fingers began to pain from gripping the arms of the chair so tightly.

Finally, she made up her mind.

She could not stay here. She had to go someplace where she could get the same joy that Abhyudaya got from his work.

That pleasure was more valuable than money. She was going away not to earn money, but to find her own individuality.

The story of Bhamati that she had told Abhyudaya long ago, came back to mind.

Every woman could not become Bhamati. Each woman had her own limits and Gautami too had come to the end of her patience. Was it the difference in their personalities that had made Gautami take this decision, she wondered. Or was ither unbearable loneliness?

She knew that many women go into depression,become alcoholics, and in some cases become kleptomaniacs. Psychiatrist believe that women do this in order to draw the attention of their busy, ambitious husbands.

Gautami thought of her mother and grandmother. Her grandmother used to say that her grandfather was a terror and did not believe that women were capable of taking decisions. He never gave women any freedom.

And yet Rindakka (her grandmother) had never spoken ill of him. Her own mother was married to a worthless man, but she still showed him respect and never spoke harsh words to him. Her situation was so different in comparison.

Abhyudaya was unlike either of these two men, but she didn't want to stay on with him.Her grandmother had never had economic independence so she might have stayed back because of that. Her mother was the sole breadwinner of the family.

But she still continued to stay with her husband. That was because they were conditioned to believe that a woman should stay with her husband, irrespective of what he was.

Gautami did not agree with that belief. She felt that there was a limit to which one could be obedient and subservient, but once that limit was crossed, the individual's happiness became more important.

Abhyudaya was due to come back the following week.

Now that Gautami had made up her mind, her main concern was how to break the news to him.