I looked at the ceiling and absently stared. I can't sleep. There's something heavy on my chest, and it's making it hard for me to breathe.
I faintly smiled.
My day was indeed a blast, but something is missing. I have an idea, but I don't want to blurt it out. I don't want to confirm it for myself.
Huminga akong malalim bago nagpasyang lumabas ng kwarto.
It's already past three in the morning. Hindi ako nakatulog kahit gustuhin ko man at kahit pa pagod ang katawan ko. My mind is wondering around the four corners of my room. Kahit pa ipikit ko ang mata ko ay gising na gising ang diwa ko. Hindi ako mapakali sa kung anong dahilan.
I made my way to the kitchen, and I saw my sister drinking tea. Why is she here at this hour?
Nilapitan ko sya at binalingan nya agad ako ng tingin. I felt like she was stressed out and sad.
She looked troubled, but it faded when she saw me. She's so good at hiding her emotions.
"Are you hungry?" she immediately asked.
I smiled and sat on the chair beside her.
"Nope. Hindi ako makatulog, Ate." sagot ko.
Tumango naman sya at nalaglag ang tingin sa hawak nyang tasa na naglalaman ng ininom nyang tsaa.
"Bakit ka nga pala nandito, Ate? Hindi ka rin makatulog o nagising ka? You're drinking tea this early." marahan na tanong ko.
She shook her head. She looks worn out. Ang ilang takas ng buhok ay nasa pisngi nya na.
"I was reviewing, but I can't focus. So I just decided to clear my mind for a while, but heck, it's not working." she weakly chuckled.
Binalot agad ako ng pagaalala. Ito ang pangalawang beses na nakita ko syang wala sa sarili at puno ng iba't-ibang emosyon ang mga mata. Tila ba nangingiusap iyon sa kung gaano kasakit ang nararamdaman nya.
"What's wrong, Ate? You can tell me. I will listen." banayad kong ani.
She looked at me with her pained expression. Hindi ko maiwasang malungkot dahil ngayon nya lang pinakita sa akin kung gaano sya kahina.
I reached for her right hand, and I softly caressed it.
"It's about a guy, Yari," she started.
Bahagyang nanlaki ang mata ko sa sinabi nya. This is new. Is she perhaps in love with that guy?
"He wants to commit himself to me, but I don't want that." mahinang aniya.
I gave her a small smile. I completely understand.
"Having a relationship is not my priority, Yari. Daddy's expecting so much from me. I can't fail him." she said it with a voice that was a bit shaken.
My sister is always the one who obeys our parents. Back then, if I made mistakes, she'd take the blame and assure me that it was okay, even though I should be the one who was liable for what I did. She never chose herself. She always put herself at last. Like it was not her option, it's not her priority. It's the saddest reality she kept by being our father's daughter.
"But, Yari, I love him. I love him so much, I can't lose him." her voice trembled, and tears started to fall from her eyes.
Nanikip ang dibdib ko at humigpit ang hawak sa kanyang kamay.
She sacrifices a lot. She endures everything. She deserves her own kind of happiness. Because all her life she was pleasing the people around her and acting responsible for whatever they wanted for her.
