i don't know what they've told you about me
the truth is, i don't want to know
have they mentioned me?
or am i just a shadowy cloud
the monster that they don't talk about
it's okay whatever it is
i just wanted you to know me
i don't know you at all
but i feel like we probably aren't alike
or maybe we are
it's okay, whatever it is
i listen to taylor swift like it's gospel music
i drink my coffee at varying temperatures
based on what the world tells me to do that day
i cry about school when i feel like i do good
and when i fail, i crash and burn
and i wreck my car and drink enough at the bonfires to end up
lost in a gas station at three in the morning
i collect the pretty cacti on my windowsill
and then forget about them
and they dry up
and i cry when they do
even though it's my fault.
i convinced colt a hundred years ago
that cats were my entire personality
it turns out i'm allergic
and i havent touched one in years
it's funny because
the version of me he dated
is a girl who's died and lived
a hundred million times
since that fateful halloween night
that was the last day of that piece of me
she died with me that day
since then i have been a different form
a girl who's filled with a regret
for the things she did as a child
i don't want your man anymore
please believe me, this isn't a love letter
but simply an apology note
for all the damage i may have caused
because all of the ghosts that haunt me at night
look like him and me and you
and we're all running from me
if he remembers, i used to write
but all the elegies i used to write
had been abandoned the moment i realized
that the world was not the villain
and instead it was me
and all the projects i had poured my soul into
suddenly seemed shallow and dense
and now every time my pen bleeds onto the paper
i see myself in the anti-hero
and all the protagonists
have no true compass
they hate themselves with everything they have
i haven't written a true hero
since that day we broke apart
because every time i tell myself
that something is right
i question why i believe that
because the god that i blamed our split on
i'm sure i don't even believe in anymore
and the moral compass i claimed to have
was never mine to begin with
god, it was never mine
so i am sorry
for all the hurt i caused
i wanted to have you know
who i am
that i'm not the villain
they make me out to be
but maybe i am
and if i am then i'll probably destroy myself for it
i have never forgiven myself for it
and perhaps my endless stream of poems
going back and forth trying to find the villain
is all pointless
and is some futile way
of trying to bring myself peace
it's not a lost love
it's simply a girl who knows
she treated a boy with cruelty
and regrets it every day
so please
treat him right.
please.
be what i never
had the capability
and the freedom
to be
i saw the video
of him proposing to you
and it ripped out a piece of my soul
not because i wish it were me
but because i wished i could have
said sorry first
because the last thing i ever wanted
was to be the elephant in the room
if someone dared mention my name
anyways,
please love him
please be happy
i am happy with my own
don't worry about me
he doesn't love me anymore
please be content with him
and don't hurt him like i did
and be you
don't change for a man
and don't create your actions
based on what your family
tells you is right
