i recognize now
that i am spiralling out once again
and i don't know how exactly
to ask for help
but when i have these spirals
i often long for people and places
that no longer have the space for me
i wonder about him
the things we lost at fourteen
and if he still thinks about me now
i wonder if he knows i'm sorry
i wonder if he knows i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry
and if he knows
that i think about him all the time
especially when i feel awful about myself
and the mess i've made of my life
and when i write things down, characters based
on our mess of a relationship
and i feel worse
because i've made him the villain
and i keep doing that
i was mostly the villain
we were just kids
i was just dramatic
i wonder if she thinks about me
and if she revels in the fact
that i think myself the villain in
that situation too
well for once in my life
i know that it wasn't
in fact
my fault
but entirely her own.
and the anger i feel
when seeing everything they've done
isn't worth trying to make anything
out of my own pitiful life
so i carry on
waiting for an apology i know will never come
and i sit in bitterness of a friendship lost
i sit in bitterness.
i sit in bitterness.
so it's guilt and rage.
the constant tug of wondering
why wasn't i ever good enough?
and the blame on the parents
that really only ever wanted what was best for me
on paper at least
i've been raised to believe that
i held more power in a pen
than i did in my entire soul
and i think that was a little damaging
there's been a lot that's been
a little damaging.
so at nineteen i sit in the office at my parents' house
and my boyfriend has gone to bed
at 7 pm.
and i look at my life
with an air of sadness.
sitting in the office.
doing chemistry.
what a sad life.
while everyone is out partying.
i'm alone
in an office
with a pen.
what a sad life.
i miss my cats
and when i was able to touch them
i miss my house
and when i could ride
from place to place
and not worry about speed limits
or when the sun was setting
or the deadlines approaching
or disappointing people
who i'm not sure care too much
about my future to begin with
perhaps they just care about my well being
or perhaps we're all just young and stupid
and this is what it finally feels like
to know people my own age
i mean truly know them
i always knew people growing up
but it wasn't like this
none of them who truly accepted me as i was
known me as i was
as strange but beautifu
strange but something
strange but someone
god i can't tell you how
good it feels
to actually be someone
so i guess that's why it's addictive
that rush in the middle of the night
singing songs with people i didn't know
a year ago and hanging our heads out the window
like stupid dogs on a road trip
it's a strange feeling
falling in love with being alive
when i had been stuck in a cycle
for so so long
and the fear that it comes with
of finally being alone
i'm afraid of me
of who i always was
of who i always will be
