By the Weak

14

After breakfast, we sat on the sofa, trying to find a movie to watch.

"Come on, let's just watch some raunchy porn," Joel nearly whined like a kid.

"I thought you just liked to make raunchy porn," I teased as I tried to grab the remote from his grasp. But he had cat-like reflexes, and it was behind his back before I could get to it. This caused me to collide with his broad chest with my hands splayed over the flexed muscles.

Joel's free arm went around me, and he kissed me. "We can do that, too," he mumbled after he pulled back. "There is something I've wanted to do..."

"Oh?" I said as I rubbed my nose along his. "What?"

"First, I want you naked, and then I want to tie you to the bed."

"Yeah? What will you do to me when I'm at your mercy?" I said, briefly kissing his full mouth.

"I plan to fuck you, baby."

I dragged in a breath. Joel understood it was against my rules. As it turned out, it was one of the last remaining rules - besides the top-secret nature of our relationship. "Joel. I-"

"I figured if you felt a little bit powerless - like it wasn't within your control - then you may let it happen," Joel kissed me again, but it was much more heated than playful. When he pulled back, we were both panting. "We have done so much more intimate things, Sadie. I have to be inside you."

I sighed. To say I haven't thought about it for weeks would be a lie. Meeting Britt didn't help things at all. The idea that she had sex with him without a second thought bothered me to no end. Or perhaps it was the fact that he had sex with her without a second thought. For both of them, it wasn't significant, but I couldn't stop seeing meaning. To me, sex was supposed to be somewhat special.

"Joel, I want you - I think that is pretty obvious. But it's not just your age. It's me. I have never had empty sex."

Joel's face twisted into a look of offense. "You think that is all that would be to me? Some meaningless hook-up? Some no-strings bullshit?"

"I just know that Britt and..."

"How can you compare the two situations?"

"I just don't know where your head is at..."

"I care for you, Sadie," Joel said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I want to experience everything with you."

The words almost seemed like more to me. As though 'everything' was far more expansive than the world of sex.

"I hate knowing you let that cunt, Ryan, fuck you. I hate that he experienced something I desire so fucking much. He didn't deserve..."

"Joel," I whispered to calm him.

"Come on, Sadie. He was an asshole and should not have had the right to put his cock anywhere near you," Joel carressed my cheek. "You're mine, Sadie girl."

It was so sweet - possessive but sweet. The possessiveness shown by Joel was so different than the type offered by Ryan.

Ryan saw me as an object at all times. He felt he could chew me up and spit me out without recourse. His objectification made me feel like that was what I was - a husk of a woman that could be easily discarded or used.

But Joel was possessive in a way that displayed pride in being with me. He wanted the world to appreciate me as he did but also keep me within his exclusive embrace. And as much as Joel hated the idea that Ryan fucked me, I hated that women - girls - like Britt fucked him. They got part of him I didn't get, and that burned me.