By the Weak

12

WEEK 6

It was over a month with Joel, and I still couldn't believe it when he walked through the door. Every day after work, I beamed when I saw him appear in my kitchen. We spoke for hours about anything and everything. The entire relationship was extraordinary.

But I still waited for the other shoe to drop. Either this was too good to be true or would end once Joel landed his dream girl. I felt like a placeholder - someone to keep him busy while his perfect match awaited him.

Ryan often made me feel like I was not good enough. It transferred to my profession and now to this new relationship. I likely would never be what he needed, and what's more, he likely couldn't be what I needed.

I wanted a family with children and a loving husband. I wanted to live the dream I had made for myself as I played with Barbie in my playroom.

"Sadie girl, where are ya?! I thought we could go Christmas shopping!" Joel shouted as he entered the house. He sounded excited.

"The mall? Um, no." All I could imagine was getting caught out with a high school student.

"Why not?" Joel looked at my face and immediately knew the answer. "We can drive to Lexington or something. Come on."

"Won't your mother expect you for dinner sometime this week? It's already Thursday..."

"She's out with her boyfriend. Come on! We can eat at the food court like a real couple."

"Uh-huh. I don't know, Joel," I said as I washed my hands in the kitchen sink. Then I turned toward him. "No PDA. That's the rule."

"I swear. Cross my heart," Joel said, drawing an X on his chest.

"Not like the hike!" I blurted.

"I know, I know. Come on."

The drive to the mall was longer than if we had stayed local, but it allowed us time to chat. After we reviewed our day, I finally got enough nerve to ask a question that had plagued me for a few weeks now.

"So, uh, I was wondering..."

"Yeah?"

"How do you see this whole thing going?" I asked as I turned a little in the passenger seat to face him.

Joel laughed. "Uh, I'm not exactly sure what you mean. I really just thought we could just keep having fun. Ya know?"

"I see," I nodded, not sure what I expected him to say.

"What do you want? How do you see things going?"

"I'm not sure. I know it can last long," I turned back to face the windshield.

"Why?" I saw him glance my way.

"Uh, well, I want a family. Ya know, a husband to mow the lawn and a kid or two to spoil."

"Yeah? And?"

"And I need to date someone appropriate to make that happen."

"Oh. And I'm not appropriate. Gotcha." I watched Joel's hands twist the steering wheel, but he was nodding in agreement.

"For someone else, you are plenty appropriate - like that crush at school. But my biological clock is ticking and I can't wait for college to finish or for you to lose interest during that time. And it is just too ludicrous to consider anything more anyway," I chuckled without humor.

"Women have babies into their forties."

"High-risk pregnancies," I say as I look at my hands, searching for signs of aging and coming up empty.