By the Weak

11

When Monday rolled around, I had to get used to Joel being in my bed morning and night. But it was pretty enjoyable. I missed the feeling of waking up with a man beside me, keeping me warm and protected.

Joel enjoyed cooking and puttering around the house while I was at work. He ended up setting up my Christmas tree and decorating my home for the holidays. He would tease me about Santa coming to my house for the first time in a long time since I now had a kid living with me.

I just flicked him off and told him he could leave. But we made up with an extended make-out session on the sofa in front of the gas fireplace.

In some ways, he wasn't wrong about Santa. Well, not the actual man, but the Christmas spirit had long been a part of my life. If I wasn't alone, then I was feeling alone. Ryan tended to isolate me and focus everything on him. This year, I looked forward to sharing it with someone that could give and take.

Ugh, but I shouldn't. I shouldn't even be in this position.

Since we decided to try a relationship, I've felt carefree, which was not a good idea. I knew this thing between us had a short shelf life. Perhaps that's why I'm cherishing our time together even more. And now, I'm starting to catch serious feelings.

I was grateful when Friday finally came, and I could kick back with some wine. As I opened the bottle in the kitchen, I heard Joel walking up behind me and encircling me in his strong arms.

"Hiya," he murmured. "When did you get home?"

"Just now," I said, leaning back into his chest. I loved it when he held me to him. "I was going to have some wine. But, uh, Ya know...I shouldn't."

Joel chuckled, causing my body to vibrate. "Because of me?"

"Well, yeah," I admitted. "I don't think it is a good idea to serve an underage...."

Joel laughed. "Underage? Right. It's okay. I don't want any alcohol. I'm not a drunk. Despite last weekend..."

"Yes, that scared me."

"Scared?" Joel asked seriously. "Why?"

"You were just...," I started and then sighed. "Nevermind."

"What?"

"You were drunk and high on God knows what, and you drove..." I tried again. "I, uh, worry that you won't make good choices. And I won't be around to help you. Oh, and don't call me 'mom!'"

Joel chuckled a little. "I wasn't going to - learned that lesson. But can I just say that first of all, I'm sorry and won't do that again. I promise. And second, thank you."

"Thank me?"

"Mmhm," Joel hummed along my neck. "Thank you for caring about me. I care about you, too."

The words said along my flesh made me tremble. It wasn't just the vibrations but the unsaid implications of his words.

"I do care," I whispered.

"I know," Joel said, holding me tighter. "I know you do. I just wish that..."

He hesitated for a second, which unsettled me. What did he want?

"I just wish you didn't constantly look for the end of our relationship. It's like you know it is finite, but you just don't know when it will stop. Sometimes it seems like you want it to end sooner than it should, which worries me."

"Oh," I said. "Yeah, I guess I figure if it ends sooner than later, then I won't be too emotionally invested. Do you know what I mean?" I hated the words I said, but they were much easier to say when I didn't have to look at him.