A Nerd Hurts a Bully

24

MANUEL (therapy session 1)

Okay, my first session of therapy. I'm ready.

"Manuel Garcia?" A man in casual clothing asked. "Right here." I said. "Come in, bud." The therapist said. "Good luck, Manny!" My mom yelled worriedly. I gave her a signal that I'm going to be okay by doing a thumbs up.

"Hello, Manuel. My name is Dr. Olivera, but you can just call me Liam. If you feel uncomfortable about any of the questions asked, we can always pause the session. I wanted to talk to you about your father. How is he like?" Liam said.

"I don't know. He is a bad man, I guess. He didn't see me as his son. He saw me as a sex toy. He's in jail now though." I said as Liam was jotting things down.

"Alright. How would you describe your mother?" Liam asked. "Oh. She's amazing. I love her. She been there for me my whole life. She's the best person ever. Me and her have fights sometimes, but that never stops me from loving her." I said.

"Okay. If you had to say anything to your father, what would it be?" Liam asked. That's hard. "I don't really know. I will probably ask him why he hates me." I shrugged. "Can we change the subject?" I asked.

"Sure. But there are going to be more serious questions at the end. You don't have to say anything, but this is just for your safety. Let me get to know you better. What are some of your hobbies?" Liam asked.

"I like playing video games sometimes. I also like hanging out with my friends." I said. "I used to like playing video games as a kid." Liam said. "Really?" I said. "Yeah, I'm not that old." Liam said. We both laughed a bit. Maybe therapy isn't that bad.

"Okay, let's see. What's your favorite color?" Liam asked. "I like a dark red. I don't really like those bright reds." I said. "Me too! I just don't like the vibe." Liam said. "Right?" I said.

"What's your favorite TV show?" Liam asked. "I love On My Block and 13 Reasons Why." I said. "Oh, 13 reasons why made me cry a lot. It's so depressing and it has large topics." Liam said. I laughed. "What? It's so sad." Liam said. "Not really, you're just a crybaby." I said. Liam looked mad. I felt like I did something wrong. "Sorry." I said in a soft voice. "For what? Oh no, I'm sorry. I'm only joking with you." Liam said.

"Oh." I said embarrassingly. "Okay, I need to ask you serious questions now." Liam said. "Okay..." I said hesitantly. "The people at the hospital said you had alleged self harm scars all over your arms. Did you really do that to yourself? Or did someone/something do that to you. I need you to be honest." Liam said. "Yeah, I did it to myself. Ever since I was 12." I muttered, full of shame.

"There is nothing to be ashamed about. Based on the trauma you went through, this is the thing that most people do." Liam said trying to reassure me. "No! There is everything to be ashamed about. I'm weak. I get made fun of. I used to be popular and cool and nice. Now I'm just a jerk. I deserve everything that happened." I said. "No, Manuel. You did not deserve what happened to you at all. It's not your fault." Liam said. "Yes it is." I said. "Yes it is. Yes it is!" I started panicking.

"Manuel?" Liam asked. The last thing I remembered was Liam yelling out my name. I passed out.

When I woke up, Liam was looking at me worried. "Manuel?" Liam asked. "Are you alright now? Do you want to keep going?" Liam asked.

"Yeah, I think I can keep going. Just give me a minute." I said. "Okay." Liam said. I was just laying there. I don't know what happened. What if he raped me while I was unconscious? What if he drugged me? I couldn't trust anyone these days. Not even my own blood. I was panicking again. I was breathing very unusually. "Manuel! Calm down. Take a deep breath." Liam said putting a hand on my shoulder. "Don't fucking touch me!" I yelled pushing him off. "Okay, okay. Just calm down, buddy. I'm sorry if I violated your personal space. Take deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth." Liam said.

I was finally calm. I felt extremely bad for yelling at Liam. He didn't look so shaken up, though. He looked more guilty than me. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry for passing out. I'm sorry for ruining the session today." I said. "You did not ruin the session today. You had every right to yell at me. You can't control it if you passed out. The session is over, but feel free to come here or text me when you need to."

"Okay, thanks." I said. "Anytime, have a good rest of your day. Appointments are 2 days a week, but you don't have to come if you feel like you don't need or want to." Liam said. "Okay." I said. I walked out of the room and my mom was there, waiting for me. I saw other patients. There were little boys and girls, young adults, people around my age, and old people. I always wonder what their story is. Did they get raped like me? Are they harming themselves like me? Do they feel like they did something wrong every time like me? I can't think like that, right? Nothing is wrong with me.

I heard my mom and Liam talking. He said that I could possibly have a guilt complex, which is where you think everything is your fault. My mom looked very sad, but she had to accept it. She had to accept that her son is not okay.

She had to accept that her son is a total jerk and doesn't deserve to live and— okay, I have to stop this overthinking.