The Grumpy Sunshine Series

I Miss You Like It Was The Very First Night

"I have to," he trembles, still not able to meet your pleading eyes. "I have to go."

You shake your head, trying to pull yourself back together. This isn't right, the way you feel. Bucky isn't yours- he's not a possession. Let alone one you have any right to hold on to, and yet you still don't want to let him go. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be making this harder for you," you state, wiping the tears away. "This- This is wrong- It's my problem, not yours."

"I, um, I should let you go. I have- I have to go anyway," you stammer, turning on your heels before Bucky can squeeze in a single word.

Instead of going straight after you, he gives himself, and you, a little time to calm down. Then he goes searching for you. It's not long before he finds you in your room. He tries opening the door, but FRIDAY declines entry. "I'm sorry, Mr. Barnes, she's asked to be alone at this time."

"Yeah, well this is an urgent problem, so let me in."

Then he's opening your bedroom door. You're hunched over, sitting on the foot of your bed. Like all the sunshine has drained from the room, for the first time ever, he walks in there and it doesn't feel like home.

"I just want to be left alone right now," you mumble, clutching the photograph that you plucked from your wall.

"You never want to be alone," he responds, slowly walking closer to you.

You want to tell him that you've never had to pull yourself together like this before. You've never had to fight every instinct of your being to keep yourself upright. You've never felt this burning, aching sensation ruminating in the center of your chest. It feels like more than sadness- it's worse. Something you don't even have the words to describe.

"What do you have there?"

You think back to that very first night.

"You look great. You have that classic beauty thing working for you- you don't want to overstate that," Nat repeats, putting the final touches on your look for tonight.

"It should be you going."

"Steve and Sam both agreed that you're ready for this. Trust yourself. And Bucky will be there with you all night," Nat reminds you.

"But what if they're wrong?"

"They're not. I think you're ready too- and I'm never wrong."

"Really?"

"Really. Now go, Bucky's waiting for you," Nat shoos you out of your own room, staying behind to clean up the mess the two of you made from getting you ready.

You nod, slowly walking out of your room and down the hall where you see Bucky standing there in a tux.

"God damn," Bucky wheezes, seeing you walk down the hall. It's a different look than your colorful t-shirts and sundresses. You stand there in one of Nat's dresses, and it feels like all the oxygen has left Bucky's lungs.

"You look so nice!" you compliment, walking up to a still frazzled Bucky.

"Thanks," Bucky chokes out.

"Look at the two of you. It looks like you're going to prom," Nat coos. "I stole this from your room. Just one for your first recon mission?" she asks, holding your Polaroid in her hand.

"What's prom?" you ask.

"Picture first," Nat demands. "Then I'll tell you after your mission."

"Fine," Bucky huffs, standing rigidly a foot away from you.

"Can you two move closer together?"