Operation: One percent

Chapter 35

Margaret

Twisting and turning, I simply couldn't find it in me to sleep, and somehow, me and him turned at the same time, facing each other.

„Cant sleep huh?" He asked.

„Yeah."

„Me too." He replied.

I turned on the lamp on the nightstand and took out the drawing to marvel at its colors once again.

"Your daughter's?"

I nodded.

„Its the thing that is the most important to me."

"Can I have a look please?"

A small selfish and protective part of me sparked, but regardless, when I moved the drawing to him, he sat up turned on the light and took it carefully with both hands. As if it was a doll of porcelain, my heart tender at the gesture.

"You know, they say that the colors a child uses to express their inner emotions."

I raised my eyebrows at that surprise, and as always there were more things to be uncovered about her drawing.

"Yeah, the colors are pretty and bright so if the tales are true, it seems that she was quite a happy kid."

A tear forming at the corner of my eye, was a first of its kind. A joyful one.

"Can I ask about her father? Is he not in the picture?"

A question that I was dreading.

"He is not. "

"Do you want to talk about it?" The entire time, he was looking at the drawing but then, he looked at me. Thankfully my tears never fell.

"Maybe some other time."

We both turned off our lights, and I tucked the drawing back under the pillow. He decided it was an unwelcome guest.

"I know I said this already, but I wish I had felt what you feel for your daughter at least at one point in my life. That kind of unconditional love, but sometimes..."

He swallowed then continued.

"Sometimes, I am afraid of knowing that I will be by myself until the end of my time, without knowing what it feels like. Instead, I only care about myself, and I dread being a nobody."

„Being a nobody?"

„Let me explain... I am aware that if my plan works, whole society and its structure would be changed, but I cant help but wonder where would that leave me?"

„In other words, you would have to start over."

„Exactly. I hate knowing that everything I have and everything I own is technically thanks to Alin, and this company...Lilith has somehow become a part of me and my identity."

„That must be scary, but...somehow... I don't doubt that you would find your way to be successful. You seem like a really capable guy. I mean, you were at the top of your uni..."

Fuck. He never said that.

„I can see that you study your targets pretty well Margaret. I am impressed." He said it with a smile, but only thanks to the darkness, I was able to hide my blushing.

„Yeah I was. And, everything I did was because I wanted to feel good enough."

His breath was rugged now, and his voice started shaking a bit.

„I wanted to be good enough so, if by any chance my mother was looking down at me from the heavens, she would be proud, and if I find my brother so I could help him and somehow, make up for all these years of separation."

Obscured in the darkness, our worlds were intertwining, our secrets flowing between us. I took his hand in mine, and his grip tightened.

„I know what it means to feel like you are not good enough. I suppose we are the same in that way."

Somehow, I felt safe telling him at least a part of my life story. This cosmos that we have created was limited to the walls of the room, and the only intruders were the sounds of the cars from the street.

„I have many fears, but I have much more regrets. My biggest regret is not being able to save my daughter, or never telling her that I was her actual mother. I was too ashamed because, at the time, I couldn't give her the life that she deserved."

„I will do everything that I can to find out what happened to her." He spoke, caressing my hair now.

„If she is alive, how can I possibly face her? How can I possibly tell her that she has had a prostitute junkie for a mother."

I never meant to tell the second part.

I searched for a reaction on his face, but it was quite difficult to see anything. He only kept caressing my hair and spoke softly.

„What is in the past, should remain there. I only know a woman that I see now, and all I can see is a fighter."

„That is not even half of it. I started the path of taking lives, and I couldn't even see them in the eyes. I am a coward. You were right when you said that."

„When did I say that?"

„You seriously don't remember? It was that time when you came after me in thought that I sent someone after you."

„Oh. I was angry. I didn't really mean that."

„Yes you did."

„It was a spur-of-a-moment thing. I didn't know that it was going to stick with you. I am sorry."

„There is nothing to be sorry about. Its a fact."

He took a deep breath and spoke. „Your life hasn't been easy Margaret. I too feel regret for not being able to be with my bother. Maybe if I were in the same position, with the same things happening that you went through, I would have ended up the same. I am not someone that can judge."

How does this man know exactly what to say?

„My soul is tainted, skin soiled, and my heart is long dead. How can anyone possibly listen to what I just said and not feel repulsed?"

„What I am feeling right now is that I want to hug you, but I said that I won't make any moves, so I am pretty much blocked out in that area."

The same heart that I spoke about being dead, has just made a small jump in my chest.

I crawled into the small universe that was his embrace and felt lighter than ever.

„Thank you Ace...for listening to me."

„You are welcome, Margaret."

That night he has given me something precious, that I longed for; intimacy, For the first time in a long time, I dreamt a pleasant dream. A dream of binary numbers shooting into the stars, into the oblivion, and carrying me with them.