I lost the power

Chapter 6 - no mistakes

Trigger warning: mentions of drug use and physical abuse

Jade POV

It was a bad idea to get involved in the meeting, I knew that as soon as I walked through door. I wasn't in the mood, I was in bad shape, tired, annoyed, exhausted, plagued by pain and on top of that I was just coming down from a high. Not a good condition to hold a reunion that I had been putting off for a year. I wanted to try and failed miserably, which was predictable. I thought it could possibly still work out with Leigh. With her it wasn't so complicated, or rather I didn't make it more complicated. With her I found it easier to keep in touch, with her I still got in touch more often, talked more often, replied more often. It's not fair to Perrie, it never was, I know that myself, I just didn't hurt Leigh that much and wasn't hurt by her that much either. Perrie said herself over and over again that I was her comfort blanket, that she relied and leaned on me a lot and in what must have been a very hard moment for her, I couldn't be there for her because I was too busy looking out for myself. And then she got pregnant and I shut down. I feel bad, even guilty, for my behaviour towards her. Leigh I can still face to some extent, Perrie I can't.

And accordingly I felt trapped in the situation when I saw Perrie sitting there. I should have guessed, it's basically quite obvious that Perrie would be there too. After all, it was Leigh's intention to arrange a reunion. It shouldn't have shocked me so much, upset me so much, surprised me so much. And yet it did. I saw Perrie and froze. I saw baby Louis and could have burst into tears, had to resist every impulse not to flee. I sat down and naturally should hold the baby immediately and I would have loved nothing more in that moment then to have my arms tied behind my back so I couldn't. But I understand her, I know where she is coming from, I know she wanted me to meet her baby. I don't have a single good reason not to, I've never said it out loud. And Louis can't help it, not at all, it's not his fault. And of course he's cute, he's adorable, he has two very handsome parents. Of course he looks just as beautiful as Axel does. Of course I smile at him, he's a sweet little baby whose mother is close to me. Only I didn't want to because I knew exactly what it would trigger in me. And Perrie's comments didn't make it any better.

But the highlight was Axel's wrestling jump on me, which, judging by the feeling, broke the rib right through another time. At that moment, I just had to get away and fast, before I scream out, burst into tears or reveal more secrets than I should. So I made a run for it, or wanted to. Get up, get out the door, get the festival over with and get on with life as before.

But it's not that easy. Despite everything that's happened, despite everything they don't know, we're talking about Leigh and Pez, actually the most important people in my life. I hate that things are as they are and much more I hate that I just upset them and disappoint them over and over again. And so I couldn't control the words at all when they came out of me inviting them to the festival and I immediately regretted it. Show days are special, they are terrifying and revealing until I'm on stage. But now that they've accepted, there's no turning back. I just have to pull myself together.

As I get into the car that seems to have been waiting for me, I slam the door and do what I've felt like doing ever since I looked into Perrie's expectant eyes. I put my forehead in my hands and start crying quietly to myself and don't stop the whole way home. Walking in through the front door, I actually wish for some peace and quiet at last, but Zach doesn't want to hear about it.

"What are you doing here?" he asks dumbfounded and almost even angry, so I just walk past him, throw my backpack in the corner and drop onto the couch without dignifying his question with a response.