I lost the power

Chapter 3 - make me forget

Perrie POV

"Come on Ax, sit down already," I try to calm down my almost four year old son who has made it his mission to get another jolt of energy just before he is supposed to sleep. He was already running all around the house while I tried to calm his brother, who in turn made it his mission to scream his head off because he was tired from not sleeping last night. Alex is in Newcastle tonight for a midweek game and had asked me if we wanted to come along for support and to get back up north for a change and I had really considered it. But after last night, I had little nerve left to sit in the car with two overtired little kids. To make matters worse, my mom was out with friends tonight and Ellie was at some release party, so accordingly I was on my own with the boys today. Since Axel inherited his dad's energy and Louis apparently inherited my lungs, they can be a handful. And I'm really looking forward to when they've both eaten and are bathed, changed and asleep in bed so the relaxing part of the day can begin.

Life with two children is much more stressful than with just one, I've noticed that clearly over the last year. My first pregnancy was a breeze, I had a few cravings of course, but otherwise little nausea, lots of energy, the desire and ability to keep going with work commitments. The birth wasn't pleasant of course, but compared to Louis it was a nothing. The second pregnancy was pure horror in comparison. I couldn't keep anything down, didn't want to move for days, my body ached and I couldn't wait to finally give birth. But I quickly regretted these thoughts. I was in labour for 14 hours until little Louis decided to conquer the light of day. Louis is the prime example of a proper second child, already. An absolute sweetheart when he wants to be, but also a real challenge from time to time. Mum always says he reminds her of me and since then I can't stop apologising.

But still, I love them more than anything in the world, even though I'm now sure that two kids are definitely enough for two parents. Especially with our workload. Alex decided not to renew his contract at Liverpool. I always believed in him and for me he is a great footballer, but after his knee injury he didn't manage to regain his starting position. And he wasn't satisfied with the constant place on the bench, he was unhappy and we both knew that something had to change. So after his contract ended, he moved to West Ham United, we moved permanently to London, he became much happier and our lives became easier. I was able to work in London without commuting or being away from him for long periods of time and the same was for him. And with this new, simpler, more carefree life in London, Louis made his appearance soon.

My mum lives with us in the house, at my clear request. Not only do I gladly accept her help with the boys, but I desperately need her. Of course Alex is my constant supporter too, but he is very busy with his career and can't always be by my side, and without the girls behind me always having my back, my mum has become more important than ever. Ellie lives in her own flat here in London, but we still see each other almost every day.

I tried my hand at a solo career. I wrote songs, or rather had Kamille write them and recorded them, and they sounded good, really good and it was a lot of fun. But when it came to releasing them, the joy was gone. The promo alone was terrible. It didn't suit me at all. I couldn't focus, was constantly jittery and far too nervous that I kept messing up. But much worse was performing as a solo artist. That became my personal horror. I did ask Claude if he could be there so that I could at least have a trusted support on stage with me, but my own music didn't invite the crucial choreo for good reason. Sam was always by my side backstage too, but it just wasn't the same. Without my girls I was just lost on and off stage, generally in this whole music industry. I was lonely. My anxiety escalated during the time I was trying and I had to quickly draw the line. With this realisation, I turned my focus to other projects, mainly Disora. Although I still recorded a few singles here and there and didn't completely turn my back on music and the stuff was even partially released, I didn't perform anymore. And then with Louis, I put more focus on my boys. And I loved it. Even on days like this, I loved every second with them and was happy that I had them, that I could be their mother, that they kept me so busy. I was happy and full of joie de vivre, but at times I couldn't deny that deep down I was missing something, especially when I saw what my girls were up to.