I lost the power

chapter 9 - we need answers

Perrie POV

Walking out of Jade's flat, closing the door behind me, standing in front of it for a few seconds too long, looking wistfully behind, eagerly hoping it would open and Jade would appear, only to be disappointed, was like a stab in the heart. Like a slap in the face that knocked me out for the rest of the night. I knew, deep down, the moment I said it, that I would regret the words. That I certainly didn't mean it that way, that I will always come back if she lets me, if she needs me. But at the same time it hurts so much to be abandoned, to be lied to, to not be let in. It hurts me more than I can put into words that she closes herself off like that, that she distances herself from us like that, trusts us so little.

There were times, and not so long ago, when we knew everything about each other, when there was no one in the world who knew more. It was the easiest thing ever to be honest with the girls, to let them in on every little detail of my life. Jade had always been a bit more reluctant to be honest, she always hated to open up and talk about tough subjects. But she did, mostly because we gave her no other choice.

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we left her alone with her chaotic world of thoughts for so long that she is now so comfortable with repressing and dealing with things by herself that she no longer knows what it is like to open up to someone.

Her words won't leave me alone. Until earlier I was firmly convinced that I shouldn't blame myself, that she was just trying to talk her way out of it and distract herself from her bad behaviour. I was convinced that neither I nor Leigh had made any major mistakes that could explain her lack of contact. That she always understood why we changed in certain ways, why our priorities changed so much. That she was never angry with us. But apparently she led us by the nose. Apparently she was mad at us and had been for quite a while. And the longer I lie awake at night thinking about this conversation that went completely wrong, the clearer her accusation becomes to me, the more understandable her anger gets.

I really wasn't at her first solo performance because Alex had a game. It was an important moment for him. He was fresh from an injury, trying to prove himself again, reintegrate into the team and as a newlywed I wanted to support my husband in that and thought it was the right thing to do at the time and strongly assumed that everyone could understand. But now that I think about it honestly, it strikes me how justified her accusation is. Let's be honest, how many times did he come back from an injury? How many times did he make his comeback on the pitch? Was it really necessary for me to be there this one time too? Sitting in the lounge, with his mother by my side, Axel on my lap, without him even seeing us? Was that really the reason I didn't come to Jade's first solo performance?

Or was it, deep down, so repressed that I didn't even realise it at the time, the fear of what it would do to me to see her on stage. How sad and wistful I would be, how much I would miss it and how jealous I might become because I wanted it too. Now I know how stupid the reason for my cancellation must have sounded to Jade's ears, now I even understand it.

And worse, the launch party. I knew even then, when I made the decision, when it happened, that it was wrong, that it was going to be a mistake I would bitterly regret. And I did. On the way to the airport, on the plane, throughout the holiday, when I saw the pictures and posts about the party. I knew it was a shitty move of me and I also knew she was pissed. Very pissed off, in fact. True, I wrote her how proud I am, what a great person, what a talented artist she is. But it was the first message that went unanswered by her and there were many more to follow.

Was she right after all? Did it start with me? Is it understandable that she withdrew like that? Was it just a reaction to the fact that we, or rather I, had neglected her more and more? It's true that Ellie went through a bad break-up and that she just wanted to get away, out of London, out of England, out of everyday life. And I was immediately at her side, jumped at her suggestion, had only thought of helping her and being there for her, after she had been there for me so many, many, countless times, and also for Axel. I didn't really think about it at all. Should I have done that? Wouldn't it have been okay to wait for the launch party and then leave? Why didn't I think about that at the time? Why didn't I think of this then, after all that Jade has also done for me and how important she is to me?