My Amusement Trail ( Alca Penguña Series #1 )

Chapter 1

-Klouie
Lost

I'm lost, not gone, anything that's lost can be found, as they says.

Sa dinami-daming self-crises sa mundo, pagiging ligaw pa ang napili ko.

What is the reason behind the widespread feeling of disorientation among people, where they lack clarity about their identity, direction in life, and the existence of any meaning or purpose in their lives?

Perhaps it's because they are plagued by an confusing purpose that remains hidden, perpetually out of reach. Or maybe their relentless pursuit of ambitious goals has blinded them to the realities of their own lives. Could it be that their sense of self has become distorted, leaving them adrift in a sea of uncertainty?

These questions linger, and I can't help but wonder. Yet, when I reflect on my experiences, a pattern shows-I am dominated by negative emotions.

Fear? Well, seems to wield an extraordinary influence over people. It compels me to shape my lives according to the expectations and judgments of others. Only by drowning out the cycle, daily existence can begin to hear the faint whispers of truth that life presents, gently knocking on the doorsteps of my hearts. Alas, fear clings tightly to me, and I become afraid of change.

I am afraid. I have many fears. Letting go of suffering is a formidable challenge. Familiar suffering, as terrible as it may be, is preferred over the unknown. In the face of fear, my true self hugged the anger and I walked on a path that breeds resentment.

Anger? Hmm, literally, a faithful companion that embraces me dearly. It surges forth when I feel violated, wounded, or exploited.

A toxic emotion that hinders healthy growth. Despite my efforts to suppress it, it inevitably erupts, preventing me from attaining the true objective of anger management. It remains a force that manipulates and enslaves me, because I am grounded to the harsh realities of life.

Everything goes wrong when anger takes over me. It's like a raging fire that consumes my intelligence, leaving me completely powerless. I end up doing all sorts of terrible things, and when the anger fades away, I'm filled with regrets. Sadly, by then, it's too late to undo the damage.

In simple terms, it seems that the multitude of people lost in life, particularly myself, are driven by these negative emotions. Fear keeps me from embracing change, while anger rules my actions, trapping me in a cycle of suffering.

I am angry.

Looking back, it is the emotions that I chose to be my main to chose the role of my other emotion. It was better to angry.

Better to be angry? Or it was just a plan of my ego to shows superiority? So that people cannot fathom the weaknesses inside? The me is just pure consciousness; that silent awareness.

Walking again endlessly without compass or sense of purpose, I can clearly say that perhaps it was just my ego. An ego that never wanted to be silenced. An ego that wants to conquer itself's intelligence. And an ego that had a goal of slaving all learnings from the past so that it could reign.

Don't we change from our experiences, though?

Perhaps mind and body do, but I don't either. So what am I? Perhaps, the observer? Nah, that kind of bullshit. However, as an observer, I can't help but feel changed by my experiences. Maybe I simply don't grasp it yet.

The train of thought that embraces my understanding at this moment does not define me. I understand, I promise. The part of me that fails to comprehend is merely my mind.

Because once, I believed my ego to be a part of me, but now I realize it is separate. I am not defined by what I have accumulated. This realization leaves me questioning everything. How can everything we accumulate not become a part of us and influence who we are?