Fading Away ✅

Chapter Thirty-six

I sigh staring at my ceiling. I can't sleep because if I do, I will definitely experience nightmares and I can't be up because my mind refuses to shut down, and to add a tip to the iceberg, the voices won't leave me alone.

Don't act like the victim; you pushed him away.

I chuckle to myself
It's honestly sickening how the voices in my head work. They always find a way to remind me of how useless and how much of a mistake I am.

Yes, I can't sleep, the nightmares are worse and the panic attacks are frequent.

The first few days were the absolute worst. Nightmare after nightmare, panic attack after panic attack, I cut my wrist and thighs.
But as the days passed, I got used to the pain– it felt normal.
I am not trying to get rid of the emotional pain, I want to feel them both immensely to the point where I am satisfied that I've felt enough of what my words did to Blaze.

So I've found a new approach–drowning.
Submerge myself in water to the point where it stings my eyes and covers my nose a little. The immense pain that rocks me is mildly enough.

My phone buzzes beside me invading my thoughts and Addison's name appears on the screen.

"Hello"

"Hey, Lexi. How are you?"

I pause
"Hey, Addison"

Voices ring in the background and there is a distinct rich sound of a violin being strummed.

"How's New York treating you?"

A loud voice infiltrates the speaker making me cringe and lower my phone from my ear.

The call cuts off after that and I'm left staring at it in confusion.

Moments later, an incoming video call appears and I'm stuck between answering it or not.
I answer it before my ringtone ends.

"Addison?"

"Yeah, sorry about that. There's too much noise in there so I had to come out.
I can't see you"

"Huh?"

"Why is your room so dark?. I want to see your face"

"Why?"

"Because you can see mine, now switch on your light"

"You're so bossy"

"I know, it's one of my many charms"

I switch on the light and it takes me a minute to adjust my vision"

A pitying smile appears on her face.
"Lex, are you okay?"

"How's New York?"

She leaves it there understanding I don't want to talk about it

"Loud and there are a lot of people always on the move. I'm used to the silence in Detroit–the noise here gives me a headache"

"I did tell you"

"Aaargh, yes and these formal parties my parents keep dragging me to don't make me feel better. I don't want to follow in their footsteps and own a chain of hotels, why can't they accept that?"