The love letter and the suicide note

16 days until suicide

"I'm sorry if I said something the other night, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay, you didn't do anything." Orson interrupted her.

"I remember you said you didn't want friends and if you hung up because I said you were my best friend, then I'm really sorry. I just-"

"I said it's fine Astra."

Astra. He called her by her real name. That was the first time he called her by her real name.

She didn't know why it hurt, but it did. He never called her that, and her heart broke as her real name came out of his mouth.

"Okay." Was all she said.

Neither of them said anything for a while. There was just silence, the only sound she could hear was his soft breathing on the line.

If he didn't want friends, why was he always treating her like one whenever they hung out? She was his friend, but maybe her being his friend was the reason why he was pushing her away.

She got too close to him and he didn't want that.

"I'm going to visit you tomorrow okay?" Astra said into the phone as she inhaled a deep breath.

She didn't care how much he tried to push her away, she wasn't going anywhere. She was going to help him no matter what.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? I told you I'd visit you as much as I can. It's just been busy these last two days, that's why I haven't visited. But I'm not busy tomorrow."

She actually was busy tomorrow, but she could cancel her outing with Arlo and Margo to visit him. They would understand.

"You don't have to." Orson said.

"Well I am, I understand what being the hospital is like. I'd love someone to visit me if I was in there, especially since you just have to sit in bed all day listening to all the doctors get all in your business and keep asking personal things." Astra rolled her eyes at the thought. "Doctors try and help, but sometimes they make things worse. I'm not hating on them at all! They help people, it's just sometimes we don't need all the help they give us. Sometimes it's too much and overwhelming."

"They're alright. They haven't been in here for a while."

"They do check on you though right?" Astra asked.

"Sometimes."

At least they were still checking on him. When she had been in the hospital for a few weeks when she was starving herself, they only went to see her to feed her through the tube. They didn't go in her room any other times.

Her doctors were stupid.

But she knew most doctors weren't and they were very nice. She just got unlucky.

"That's good." Astra said.

"So you're coming tomorrow?" Orson asked.

"That's what she said!" Astra laughed. "I got you this time."

"You did." Was all Orson said, but she knew he was smiling.

"Yes, I'm visiting you tomorrow." Astra said with a smile.