A Flame From The Past

50: Winter Wonderland Pt.1

I just needed to make it through tonight as I packed our bags for the couple of days forward. I just needed to make it through without the mention of oh so strained heartbreak that I had wisely caused for myself. I was the horrible remorseful part in this as I packed to spend Christmas with my ex's family. The saddest part is with the whole family dynamic, they were the closest thing I had to a family. And I know this handout was just because Mariam knew my family's drama, she knew they didn't like me, she even knew my mother worked at the hospital when I was in my accident and she didn't visit me not once. She knew my family didn't want Christmas with me, she knew I had nowhere to go. But unlike most people I accepted the invite for the joyful boy on my side, he needed a big family and I would do anything to give him that.

"We don't have to go". Ray mumbled, I knew he could see my panic as I stuffed clothes into our small suitcases and bags. Something had flickered in him once he had spoken to Luca, and I hated that I now depended on him to fix things between us, but I hated that I depended on him for anything.

"It'll be fun... besides I already bought a new coat. Where else am I supposed to wear this too?" I showed him the only coat I owned, in San Francisco it was never cold, the chill picked up in the air, but never freezing cold that I needed a parka.

But this week, Christmas week I would need one, I would need every ounce of warmth I could get, every ounce I could receive. We were spending Christmas in the snowy mountains of California, a truly white Christmas something I had dreamt about but I had never experienced it. I didn't even know what snow had felt like.

"This jacket would swallow me". He said, and I agreed watching him pull the sleeves into his arms and the long back over his own back and he slouched forward trying to bring it up further, but it just wasn't working for him or even for me.

I knew I needed to talk to him, to rehash everything we had talked about before and we hadn't talked much about it except in terms of what he had heard and what I had told him before.

"Ray... I need you to know that Luca and I are done permanently". The word stung, more than I could've thought it would. Luca and I would never be permanently done, we would never be over, not in this instance, not in this way. But I needed to avoid him getting his hopes up, and dreaming, the plotting about this. I didn't want him to dream of something that I couldn't guarantee would happen. I didn't want to trouble him. I couldn't trouble him, not now, not ever.

"Are you going to date someone new?" He asked the question surprisingly quickly as he asked me and I hated the feeling of that sting, the admittance that I don't think I would ever date someone again. Heartbreak felt everlasting, I felt like I had never been over Luca. I don't think my heart could open again for someone else. I don't believe it could sustain that.

"Nope. It's just going to be me and you, bud no one else. The only boy in my life will always be you". I said, kissing his head as he smiled and shimmied the jacket off of his shoulders. He seemed content with my answer, happy with it, but something was stuck on his tongue, as he opened his mouth again.

"I would be okay with it... if you and Luca aren't permanently done". He said, hinting at wanting more, wanting the truthful answer. The truthful answer was that we would never be done, I don't think I would ever stop loving him, but for now at this moment we were lost within each other, we were lost in the shadows of each other, the drama of our lives, our places in society, and also the places we didn't belong in.

"Well let me tell you something..." I said, as Ray leaned in, hoping I would whisper the words to his question just plainly in his ear.

"I won't say we're permanently done. But I don't know it's complicated, I don't want him to wait for me". I explained, ready to tell him the whole story, but I realized from his grim smile who he was working for, whose side he was really on.