A Flame From The Past

47: Part Of Me

Apologies. Apologies flew through me to Ray. I had ruined the family I had given him, I had ruined it all for him and I saw it in his face. I saw that he loved the way we were together, he had always wanted a family, a family like we used to be, but now I couldn't stop crying, now I couldn't stop apologizing to him, now I was lost.

I hadn't explained to Ray, I told him that Luca and I were done. But the next day after he asked if he could see him, if they could hangout and today he was coming to pick Ray up. I hadn't seen Luca since that day, I left both of us in tears, my heart floating from him as I looked at those pictures, those messages he knew. He had known this whole time.

I couldn't deny Ray from seeing someone that he saw as a fatherly figure, I couldn't deny him of that especially when I had been the one to take it away. If I had ever had someone like that in my life, I would've resented and hated the person who took them away from me.

I would resent them for the rest of my life, I would find every opportunity to tell them and especially as a child. I would remember it as a life changing moment and especially someone like Luca, so evident, so impactful even if you met him for a minute.

He had changed my life so vastly, ruined my barriers, showed me the world, showed me joy, love, craze, sadness, and need and all of that was gone so quickly, he showed me the importance of finding love and holding on till the moment they're begging to be let go.

But I couldn't hold onto him, each time I stared at him, his pictures, every time I remembered the moments we shared together I became lost, so distracted by what he had done, so distracted by what he kept from me.

I didn't want to talk to him, remembering his voice and only thinking about the pain I saw in his face, the cracking in his voice, the sobs he carried out. I couldn't forget those haunting memories and I worried I would never be able to.

Even when I tried so hard to not think of him, he was all I could think about, the ravaging pain, the moments I cursed the very last being of myself and I had moved like the moment had come and I was lost in a field of flowers so painfully bare that I could see miles away, the emptiness of it all.

Luca had called me multiple times, he texted me that he missed me, that he loved me, his drunken texts remained and voicemails, but I couldn't listen to them without my heart exploding on impact, I couldn't listen to them without feeling a weight pressed against my chest.

I couldn't respond, I couldn't send him a text out of the blue, I couldn't face him after all of this time, I didn't want to find anything more, anything less.

But I had finally responded, asking if Ray could hangout with him and he mentioned he would stop by to pick him up, meaning I would have to see him. I would have to see the man who broke my heart, and I hated seeing him. I would hate it, I had already taken daggers to his jersey last night. I knew I had to see him and hand back his pity car, I understood now I bet that that warfare device has some tracking device hidden under the roof of his car.

I couldn't drive that car without remembering why he had given it to me and if I had kept the car years later I would still have it, driving around the very same reminder of why my heart had broken and why it would never be fixed again.

How many times for someone to apologize do you forgive them? How many times before you give up? How many times before it's over? I felt so overwhelmed, so broken, so tragic. And I could feel it in my heart that this wasn't a break, this would never be just a break in our relationship. I had to be all in and I had to show to be all in. Luca and I had gone from a single day in high school to a couple of months in our mid-twenties and maybe just maybe one day if we wait till our eighties we'll make it to years. But I doubt we would get another shot, I doubt we would ever be able to experience that trust, that understanding, the idea that they had not disappointed the other.