With or Without

20. Pok

My gasp of shock was loud. I didn't have a lot of expectations of how this would go. But I hadn't imagined that Tong would so readily reject me. I couldn't breathe. Yet I had created the situation where I couldn't move away. I had to stand there feeling like I'd been punched in the gut.

"No Pok, wait," Tong said quickly holding me when my grip on him slacked. "I don't mean...I mean...fuck."

His indrawn breath drawing a sympathetic response from me because I could finally fill my lungs with air.

"I'm sorry for what happened...between us. For what I did to you." Tong said decisively.

My first instinct was to negate the need for his apology but I let his words sink in. Feeling their truth. Permitting me to speak mine.

"Me too," I said softly. It was easier to take a breath this time. Then I pressed on. "I know we need to talk. It was the plan from the beginning but...I didn't know how to tell you how I felt. I was so mad at you. So instead of explaining, I said the most hurtful thing I could think of. I shouldn't have done that."

"You had every right."

Did I? Perhaps.

But it hadn't given me the right to treat him the way I had. Not by letting him walk out and most definitely not by following him when he did.

"I wanted us to figure things out. I just didn't know how. I thought it was better if I figured out what was going on in my head first."

"And have you?" Tong asked.

"I think so. I mean...there are some things I want to talk to you about because you're a part of it but...I think I understand better."

It wasn't the certainty I wished to give him but I hoped it was a start.

"What do you understand?"

Did he have to ask all the right questions? Then again, I wanted him to be as invested in this as I was. It didn't serve either of us if I wasn't completely honest.

"I should never have asked you to leave," I said. I was 100% sure of that. But there was more, "I should never have forced you to stay with me either."

I didn't want him to see my face and know how ashamed I was for what I had done. Breaking away from him, I paced the small distance between the door and the kitchen counter like a caged animal. Trying to come to terms with what I had done...and why I had done it.

"I wanted you but I couldn't admit it—to you or myself. But I didn't think you would come with me any other way. I am so sorry for what I did."

"You don't have to be sorry," Tong said and I wanted to tell him he was crazy if he thought letting me have my way was the solution. Then he shocked me by adding, "I wouldn't have stayed with you if I didn't want to. You know that, right?"

He was right. There was a part of me that knew he would have told me if he had felt strongly enough about it. Did that mean he was with me because he wanted to be?

"I hoped..." I stated only to remember that even that had not been enough. "It was great for a while, wasn't it?"

His silence didn't tell me anything. But I could see the wheels turning and there was no denying the reality of our current situation. It hadn't stayed great. Poisoned by the betrayal; the secrets and the lies.

"I was so angry about what you took away from me. I couldn't stop thinking about the swimming championship. I could have had the chance to prove myself. Then I wouldn't have to jump through hoops. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. So, when I found out what you'd done with my test results and how it all led to that mess, I didn't know what else to do."

"I am so sorry..."

"I know. You told me. You told me you only did it for my benefit. But you have to understand, it's hard to believe you were doing it for me. It didn't feel like you were helping, it felt like you didn't believe I was good enough to make it on my own."

"Oh, God...Pok...no. That's not what...I...shit...I am so sorry."

"I know...now," I reassured him, "I wasn't ready to believe it before. I wanted to punish you. I wanted you to feel what it was like to lose something you loved. I threw you out; thinking you would fight to stay because I'd promised I would never take your home away."

All the anger and hurt bubble up to the surface and with it the shame of having been so cruel. I didn't want him to see me crying but when he pulled me into his arms there was no way I could hide it. Not even when I tried to wipe the tears away quickly.

There was something different in the way he was looking at me. Like he could see more than I wanted. I didn't know if I should let him or if it was better to hide. Then he brushed my cheek with the tip of his finger and I knew it was useless.

He saw me!

"I really didn't expect to feel like I had reaped out my heart," I told him honestly.

"I can't live without you either," he said and his admission was a balm to a wound I didn't know I had.

All the things I had done to him. All the attention I had forced on him. Perhaps it wasn't all...bad. But how would I have known? Tong never said he wanted me. He never asked to come back. He never told me to go to hell. He was conspicuously silent. I had to fill in the gaps with whatever I saw fit.

What if, instead of fighting for him, I had walked away as easily as he had?
I was trying to keep the accusation out of my voice but I failed.

"You were alright. You moved out and moved on like you'd just been waiting for the chance. Like you were dying to get rid of me."

"How else was I supposed to move on with my life? I had to act like I didn't need you because it was the only way I could get over you. But you kept coming around and I could never get enough traction. I kept falling back into you. Failing at this one thing I thought you wanted me to do."

"I couldn't let you move on without me."

I kissed him softly barely a brush of my lips on his. Keeping my hold on him light so he could get away from me if he wanted. I was not going to hold him back if that's what he truly wanted.

"Even then...I wanted to hurt you," I admitted shamefacedly. "I didn't want you to be happy with someone else. P'X must have thought I was so pathetic."

I couldn't believe it when he chuckled. It wasn't a good idea to laugh at me. But he was also walking back to the bed, taking me with him. The look on his face was not of someone who found me funny. It was the most lustful thing I had ever seen.

Certain we were close enough to the mattress, I pushed him back. He grabbed me as he went down pulling me down with him. I'd managed to keep my desire in check but with his body pressed to mine, I was doomed.

Then I made the mistake of looking down at his mouth instead of keeping my eyes on his. He licked his lips slowly, the action short-circuiting my brain. He was saying something, I could see his mouth moving but all I wanted to do was silence him with a kiss so I could cool the fire he'd lit inside me.

"Is that why you let me think you were seeing someone else?"

"No, Tong." I could finally assure him of that because we'd talked about it. "I thought you were joking. That you were trying to get me to confirm what you were to me. It's not until today that I realized you thought there was someone else."

His slight nod was the final confirmation I needed.
Maybe we would be alright.