With or Without

12. Pok

It's just two days. That's what Tong had said. Had he counted travel days as part of the two days or were they extra? That would make it four days and three nights with two full days on site. That was a long time. I knew I was obsessing about it. I had gone much longer without Tong. But never without the ability to see him if I wanted to.

I would be fine. So what if this proved I was incapable of living without Tong? So what if it meant I was so dependent on him that his absence felt like a part of me was missing? It was just a matter of keeping my focus on something else.

It was so much easier said than done.

I snapped at Phai for asking how I was doing the day Tong left with the other medical students. He was just looking out for me but just acknowledging Tong was away with his senior (and other people) was a thorn in my side. I tried concentrating on my lectures but there was more than one class where I drifted off only to come back to myself when it was over. I managed to insult my line senior when he suggested I was less than focused during the discussion group he had so kindly organized for his line group. He wasn't wrong but I wasn't about to admit it.

The only thing that helped me out was swimming. The first day Tong was away, I went in early. I had already done my aerobic session by the time the other guys joined me. By the time they were done with their land training, I was already finished with my warm-up. The practice session was extensive.

Not just working on core strength but deconstructing all my strokes until I could do every move in my sleep. Then putting it all together for a few sprints at the end of the session. Coach had me add alternates followed by individual medley until everyone else caught up with me.*

"Have you considered doing one of the longer races?" Coach asked me once training was over and we were getting ready to leave.

I had never thought about it. I was accustomed to sprints. The 50 and 100-metre races where I excelled. Coach had told me to try the individual medley because I had the best all-around ability with the four strokes but that only happened if there was no one else to represent the school. I didn't like it because I was forced to do strokes I wasn't very good at—namely breaststroke—even when Coach claimed I was better at it than everyone else.

Doing a long race was going to require even more from me and I wasn't sure I was willing to add any more to my plate.

"Think about it. You did nearly 4000 metres today. Even with the starts and stops, that still works out to some good stamina. Even if you lost the race, you'd still be able to keep pace with everyone else. Consider it. I'll sign you up and I won't hold our breath. No pressure."

That was pretty much how Coach played it. He'd sign me up, pay the fee and then I'd have to make up my mind if I wanted to win or not. Of course, if I was going to compete, I was going to try and win. And his version of no pressure was to send me a new training schedule that made the 4000 metres I had done look like a warm-up.

I had to thank him for his ingenuity because that was enough to get my mind off Tong. Until he called me. The first night was just me listening to his voice as he gave me a run-down of the hospital, the doctors and how interesting everything was to watch and learn. The second night, he was a little bit more excited. It's was like he'd rediscovered his reasons for doing medicine all over again and his enthusiasm for everything they could do, even as students filled me with pride even though I hadn't done anything.

I was excited for him but I was also glad the workshop was over and he was coming home.

It was the reason I attacked him. I went to pick him up to invite him to eat with me. Instead, I was on him the minute we got to his apartment. My mouth was on his. Trying to map every nook and cranny so I could remember what he tasted like. Pulling at his clothes even before he had dropped his bag on the ground because I was that desperate to feel him.

"Tell me you missed me. Because I have been going insane without you."

I thought he was ignoring me. He moaned loudly when I kissed a line up his jaw to his earlobe; taking a gentle nip out of him. Perhaps I was making it difficult for him to speak. I liked that reaction. But I didn't like that he still tried to stop me.

"At least let me get a shower first. I've been on the road for hours."

"You're going to need a shower after I'm done anyway. You should conserve the water. Or maybe we should just fuck the shower."

"No."

I don't think I've ever heard him say no. Not with any conviction. But the way he said it brokered no argument. Something was going on. Had something happened on his trip? Or was it about us? I hated to admit it but the minute the thought entered my head, I couldn't get it out.

I thought we were past that point I considered but what if Tong wasn't over it? Wasn't over what I had done. Perhaps I was making assumptions about his desire to be with me. Refusing to see him clearly because I was afraid he would say something I didn't want. But I had to try.

"Where do you want to go?"

"Here is better."

That was really good news and I let go of a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. Feeling more confident in what was happening I moved to the mattress. "Show me what you've got?"

"You already know everything I've got—inside and out," His shy expression was fuel to an already raging fire.

"Remind me."

I had intended to help him undress but leaning back and getting comfortable on the mattress gave me the perfect view of Tong. After days without him, it was so good, I could have eaten him up. Something about holding off enhanced my appetite. I could tell he was enjoying my attention because he took his time taking off his clothes. He went bit by bit, exposing flesh until I was barely breathing. It was so hard it was actually painful.

"You're playing with fire," I warned him.

"I thought this was what you wanted."

"You have no idea," I said reaching for him.

I was no longer satisfied to just watch. I needed to touch. Caress his body, tease his hard cock through the thin fabric of his boxer briefs because I knew it drove him mad. Pulling him down on the mattress with me. Kissing every part of his body that I wanted. It felt like an eternity since I had tasted him and yet it was only five minutes ago when I had kissed him.

I was never going to have enough of him.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to let him out of my sight for so long.

"Don't stop," Tong begged on a sob drawing me back to the moment.

Back to a far more pleasant engagement than what missing him had done to me. I was never going to stop. Not now, not ever. Having him back in my arms felt right and this wasn't because of his trip. I had nearly lost him completely because of my own stupidity.

It wasn't time to get my shit together.
It was long overdue.
Maybe if I said it enough times it would eventually come true.