With or Without

19. Tong

I showered and changed; the simple tasks keeping me from dwelling on the guilt I felt. I folded Pok's t-shirt and put it away in the closet. Far enough to the back that it wasn't immediately visible. The boxer shorts I kept on. I would not give them back the way I had his uniform shirt. I was going to keep a memento even if it was something so small and insignificant. The rest of my dirty clothes went into the overflowing laundry basket.

It was easier to think of all the things I could do instead of figuring out my problems with Pok. Starting with cleaning my dishevelled room. So many of the everyday chores had been forgotten while studying but I now had the time.

Except, I just wanted to sleep.
I was so tired and it wasn't just because of the weeks of study and exams.

My unmade bed was calling to me. I would just lie down for a moment. Just a few minutes of peace from every thought that wouldn't be silent. I would deal with it all when I woke up. It's not like it would change or disappear and give me the free pass I had obviously expected to get.

There was a knock on the door; loud and insistent enough that I couldn't ignore it. I groaned loudly while I tried to get up to open it. Before I even made it up from the bed, Pok was striding into the room like he owned the place. There were a thousand things I could have said to him but I was struck mute at the worst possible time. He didn't seem to notice.

"Why did you leave?" He asked putting a plastic bag with food on the counter and coming over to where I was sitting with my back against the wall. "I had plans for breakfast."

I looked at him. Really looked at him. He had no signs of a hangover. In fact, he looked fresh and clean. I didn't want to guess at his motives. I didn't want to sit here wondering what was going through his head and not being able to make sense of his action. But that required the ability to talk.

"Pok...?" I started only to falter.

"Yes...?"

"Why are you here?"

"Because you're here...dummy." He said it so casually.

Like I was the one who was too stupid to understand why he was smiling and serving our breakfast like it was the most natural thing to do. He put the kettle to boil and returned with two bowls overflowing with food. Handing one to me together with all the required cutlery, and situated himself next to me so we were facing each other, our legs touching.

"Eat. You used up a lot of energy last night," he said with a cheeky smile.

I was glad I hadn't taken a bite of food or Pok would have been wearing it. There was no space in my body or brain for him to joke about something like that. Especially when I had to stifle a moan at the memory of him kneeling in front of me.

I returned to my food so I wouldn't have to look at him eating and remembering all the things he'd done with his mouth. Pok was focused on his food, taking careful bites and moaning in pleasure and licking his spoon. He was doing it on purpose.

"Could you please stop that?"

"Stop what?" He asked with an exaggerated lick of the back of his spoon.

"Pok..."

"Whatever you say!" He said with a mock salute. "Just remember, you're the boring one here."

I was okay with that. It was far better to be the boring one than to have to deal with this playful version of Pok. It was hard to act like he didn't affect me when there was a lighter than air feeling just behind my sternum. Harder still not to smile at his antics when he was so blatantly baiting me.

We ate in silence after that, my gratitude for his kindness hanging heavily. I wanted him to know how much I appreciated what he had done but I didn't want to sound insincere. Not when my actions completely contradicted anything I would say. I had run away. There was nothing grateful about that.

When we finished eating, Pok put the dishes in the sink. He didn't immediately turn back to face me and I held my breath knowing something was coming.

"Why did you leave this morning?"

Jeez, how did he see so clearly into me? "I came back to shower and change."

"You could have woken me up. We would have had breakfast together in our room. I would have brought you back here." He said and every accusation was a hit I could not avoid.

The truth hurt. But there were other things in play here. "No."

"No, what?"

"You can't do this to me and expect me to be okay," I said getting up from the bed and putting as much distance as I could without actually leaving the room.

"What am I doing to you?" He asked walking over to me and taking both my hands in his but not pulling me.

"I thought...you said..."

I didn't know how to finish. How could I ask him if he was seeing someone else if he was here with me now? How could I explain that I couldn't have him treat me like he cared about me then walk out and go see someone else?

"What is troubling you? Why won't you just talk to me?"

"It's nothing. You should go. Don't you have to...be somewhere else?"

"Even we get a break to do our exams." He answered readily and I wanted to shout that's not what I mean. "I don't have to be at practice until next week. Four whole days of rest." He added with an exaggerated sigh.

"I was thinking of going home for a few days."

"It's such a short break. I was hoping you'd be here to cheer me on," Pok said.

The silent pleading was potent when he wouldn't drop eye contact. I just stood there mesmerised. He drew me closer to him. Touching my cheek like he couldn't quite understand the need to feel me. Like his eyes weren't enough and he needed his other senses to confirm what he was seeing.

I understood it. There were so many times it felt like I didn't know parts of my own body unless he was touching them. It made me reliant on him and it scared me. I would have pulled back but he looked like he was trying to get the courage to say something. He looked up at me and I felt my heart skip a beat.

"Will you stay with me during the holidays...as my boyfriend. Again."

"What?" What was going on right now? "Aren't you seeing someone else?"

The words I had not been able to say before tumbling out when shock overrode my reticence.

"Yes..."

What the actual fuck was Pok playing at?

"...I've been seeing you."

"No...not me. Don't you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or...whatever."

"I hope so. I was hoping you would accept me even though..." He swallowed convulsively and I hated that I knew that feeling on a visceral level because it felt like I was swallowing down my words instead of letting them come out and be heard.

"I'm sorry, Pok," I said and I heard his gasp.