With or Without

19. Pok

"Could you please stop that?" He asked shakily.

"Stop what?" I returned feigning ignorance.

"Pok..."

Did he have to say my name like that—so breathless and wanting?

"Whatever you say!" I agreed and saluted him because there was no way I was going to win in a game with a double-edged sword. Not against Tong. Defeat was easier to take when I could goad him a little. "Just remember, you're the boring one here."

The satisfaction of seeing Tong pout and turn away was the best reminder that I wasn't in this alone. No matter what I feared, he'd stayed with me through it all. So, I let him sit in silence as we finished our breakfast. I took his empty bowl and put it in the sink with mine.

I had stalled for long enough.

Turning back to face Tong, I was trying hard to keep my nerves from showing. Then I realized he was holding his breath. Like he expected me to say or do something to hurt him. I didn't want him thinking like that but I couldn't think of anything to reassure him.

"Why did you leave this morning?" I asked again.

It took him a minute but he eventually stuttered, "I came back to shower and change."

"You could have woken me up. We would have had breakfast together in our room. I would have brought you back here." I explained hoping he understood I didn't care if he left. I just wanted him to feel like we were in this together.

"No," Tong refuted.

"No, what?"

"You can't do this to me and expect me to be okay," Tong said before he walked to the door putting more distance between us. Classic move.

"What am I doing to you?"

I wasn't about to let him put distance between us. Every time he walked away or turned away, he was protecting himself (his warm, gentle and fragile heart). But that was the part of him I wanted the most.

I walked towards him slowly. Taking both his hands in mine. He didn't have to look at me. But he couldn't ignore me. He couldn't act like I wasn't there. Most importantly, he couldn't act like he wasn't there with me.

"I thought...you said..." Tong started but he stopped abruptly, looking anywhere except at me.

"What is troubling you?" I asked leaning sideways to catch his eye only to have him look in the opposite direction. I could feel my frustration rise and I was a bit harsher when I asked, "Why won't you just talk to me?"

"Nothing." That was a lie.
"You should go." I don't even know why he would say that when merely speaking the words out loud cracked his voice.
"Don't you have to...be somewhere else?"

It wasn't the first time he'd suggested I was in the wrong place. Was he being wilful or was I being obtuse? Perhaps he had told me, I just wasn't listening. Choosing to misunderstand him I leaned forward and let my shoulder graze him in a facsimile of a body check.

"Even we get a break from swimming to do our exams. I don't have to be at practice until next week. Four whole days of rest."

I didn't tell him I'd already taken a deep in the pool. I didn't want him to know I was struggling with my decision. Not when I wasn't sure what—if anything—would come of my effort.

"I was thinking of going home for a few days."

The subject change was jarring. The information delivered with the intent to knock me off balance. Success. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him so far away from me when we hadn't sorted out this thing between us.

"It's such a short break. I was hoping you'd be here to cheer me on," I said hoping to remind him that the main gala was going to be held during the break so it wouldn't disrupt our classes.

I wasn't sure but he seemed to waver. Pressing my advantage, I pulled him closer. I let go of one of his hands in favour of caressing his cheek. His skin was warm and soft under my fingertips. I wanted to kiss him.

I couldn't. I wasn't going to fall back into my habit of using action instead of words. No matter how good it felt. I dropped my hand and looked at him. Gathering my courage and clearing my throat. I tried to smile but I wasn't sure I succeeded.

"Will you stay with me during the holidays as my boyfriend—again!" I said in a rush not wanting the words to get lost before I could say them out loud.

"What?" Not the answer I expected.
"Aren't you seeing someone else?"

What was Tong talking about? The only person I was seeing was him. Did he really think...? The pieces were falling in place. Things he'd said. The way he'd acted around me. He thought I was seeing someone other than him. If there was a misunderstanding I was more than happy to disabuse him of, this would be it.

"Yes..." I said pausing dramatically and watching Tong. He tried to pull out of my hold but I drew him closer and whispered close to his ear, "...I've been seeing you."

"No...not me. Don't you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or...whatever?"

It was hard to fathom how he could believe that but I could tell he wasn't joking. I thought it was funny for as long as it took me to wonder how I was going to convince him otherwise.

"I hope so," I said with false confidence. "I was hoping you would accept me even though..."

I faltered before I could finish. I wanted his so much, I couldn't joke about it. I wanted him to accept me but I didn't want to force him (no matter how tempted I was to tie him to the bed until he gave me the answer I wanted). Did he understand what I was saying?

"I'm sorry, Pok," Tong said.

Breaking me in two with one simple answer.