The Victor -Pollux-

Chapter 22

Everything was different now.

Everyone thought Carson was brave, but she wasn't. She was scared of everything. The people around her were the brave ones—Finnick, Annie, and even Katniss, who were able to love others. They were fearless. Carson wanted to be like them.

She stayed awake most of the night thinking about Charlie's words. At first, it was ridiculous. She didn't even want to entertain the thought of liking Pollux. But then she thought about him and smiled. Carson hated herself for it, but she thought of all the little things that nobody else, not even Finnick, did for her. He always checked up on her, even after she said she was fine. He was kind and caring, but most importantly, he treated Charlie the same way.

She found herself always wanting to spend time with him. She searched for him in crowded rooms and genuinely enjoyed being by his side. She liked how he made her feel like the world wasn't nearly as scary. That scared her. It terrified her. She didn't like to lose people. She didn't want to lose him.

But she cared now, and there was no going back once that happened. Carson didn't want to believe Charlie was right. They were friends. That was all. That was all they could be. Loving someone was too hard. There was no time for love in war.

She didn't sleep much, but that was expected. She hesitated leaving her room, afraid she might see the person who her mind couldn't stop thinking about. But she couldn't sleep, and Charlie's snores drove her crazy.

Carson ventured to the ledge rather than the gardens. It was peaceful there as well and didn't remind her of home. Everything was jumbled inside her mind. For so long, things had been a certain way. She stayed home, raised Charlie, and spent two weeks at the Capitol training Tributes to die. The cycle always remained the same. Now, it was different. She had endured two Hunger Games, winning one. She was aiding in a Revolution with the Mockingjay, and now she was developing feelings for someone after vowing to never love anyone new again.

Everything had changed.

There were footsteps beside her. She glanced over her shoulder. The person approaching was Pollux. It shouldn't surprise her. He always found her. He waved, stepping down the steps. "Hey," she greeted him. "What are you doing here?"

"I saw you when I was walking by." He signed. For some reason, she didn't believe him. "You okay?"

Carson nodded, "yeah. I'm fine."

"What are you doing up here?"

She thought for a moment. "I just wanted to clear my head."

That was something he understood. He didn't want to bother her and took a step back. "I'll leave you alone." Pollux signed.

Carson always liked being alone, but right now, the idea made her feel empty. "Wait," she called out. "Wait." He did. "You can stay if you want." Pollux did want to stay. He turned back around, smiling at her. Truthfully, he could sleep just fine. Most nights, sleep was easy. But he knew Carson didn't sleep, and he liked talking to her. He enjoyed being around her. So, he waits until Castor falls asleep and then slips out of the room to look for her. Castor knew, but neither talked about it.

The familiar feeling returned. Carson recoiled into the wall, feeling silly. She shouldn't be afraid of her own emotions, but she was. She was terrified of them. "What are you thinking about?" Pollux signed.

Like before, she wanted to tell him that he had occupied all her thoughts recently. That her mind was always thinking of him. But she didn't. She can't. Whatever she felt was most likely one-sided. Even if she felt something more than friendship for Pollux, she doubted he felt the same way. "About how much longer things will be normal until they change again." It was not a complete lie. She did wonder how much longer she had until Katniss was healed and they were thrust back into a war zone.

"Do you want things to change?"

"I want the war to be over." That was all any of them wanted, but that wouldn't happen until Snow was dead.

Pollux hadn't given much thought to what happened after the war. He wondered where they would go. If they would go separate ways. "Where will you go?"

Carson had no idea. "I don't know." Home always seemed like the best idea. "Probably back to District 10." It was the only place that made sense. "What about you?" All he did was shrug. Carson laughed faintly. "I guess that's a problem if we win the war."

Pollux frowned. "What do you think will happen if we lose?"

They couldn't afford to lose. "Snow will execute all the Victors, staring with Katniss." The thought made him sick. Carson was a Victor. She had a higher price tag on her head than most. "Then things will go back to how they were before." Back to everyone being miserable and sending their children to the reapings. "The Games will come back," her tone was softer at the mention.

"I'm sorry you had to experience the games."

She smiled sadly at him. "I like to think they made me stronger." Even though she lost everything.

"I think you were already stronger," Pollux signed. Carson huffed out a laugh, shaking her head. "It's true. You're the stronger person I've ever met."

She rolled her eyes. "You're just trying to flatter me."

"I'm not," Pollux argued through sign. "Promise." Carson simply stared at him. "I've never met anyone like you. You've been through so much, and you're still fighting. Not many people can do that."

"Well, what about you?" Pollux raised his eyebrows, a questioning look on his face. "You were a slave to the Capitol, and now you're here. You're just as strong, if not stronger." It didn't seem like that was something he's thought about before.

Everyone's journey to get here was different but all meaningful. They were all fighting for the same cause. "Who's flattering who now?"

Carson playfully glared at him. She relaxed against the wall, staring at Pollux fondly. He stared back at her. She wondered what he was thinking about. Her, she hoped. That sudden thought scared her. It was sudden. Taking her by surprise.

But it was true.

For a while now, she has had conflicted feelings. Allowing Pollux to be a friend was hard enough, but the idea of him meaning more than that terrified her to the core. Then she thought about the words Charlie spoke. "You can't sacrifice your happiness because of fear. You're playing into what Snow wants that way. I think letting someone in and loving them is the first step." Carson hated that she was right. Losing people was hard, but Carson couldn't shut out the world. It wasn't fair to her. She had to open herself up to new possibilities.

But still, Carson couldn't do it. "So," she began. "Were you really walking by, or were you checking up on me?"

The blush that coated his cheeks provided the answer. The smile that appeared on her face caused Pollux's heart to race. "I was checking on you." He signed. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah," she breathed. It was more than okay. Carson keeps staring at him, but Pollux's attention has shifted to something below them. She admired his profile. She studied it, memorizing the details. At that moment, when the gentle smile remains on her face, she knows. She knows she feels more than just friendship for Pollux. Her emotions had gotten the better of her, and she found herself falling victim to her own heart. Only this time, she was not pushing the feelings away.