The Victor -Pollux-

Chapter 20

Hijacking.

It was what they did to Peeta in the Capitol. They scrambled his brain, making it seem as if Katniss was dangerous. That was why he attacked her, nearly killed her. They tortured them, all of them. Carson couldn't imagine what it was like.

There was an assembly occurring, but Carson didn't plan on attending. She didn't care that Coin was announcing to the District that she authorized a plan to extract the Victors. A plan she never wanted to go through with in the first place. But it would make her look good, and that was all she cared about.

Carson stood in front of the glass. Peeta's inside the room, thrashing around. He was not the same boy from the Quarter Quell. He wasn't the same boy who gave her half his fish and pretended he wasn't hungry so that she could eat. Or the boy who grabbed her on the Cornucopia when she slipped. That Peeta was gone.

Taking a deep breath, she turned away. Carson was unable to face Johanna, feeling too much guilt. It should have been her. She wished it was her. She should have gone with Johanna and Katniss in the arena like she was supposed to. Maybe, things would have been different. It was unlikely that anything would have changed. Maybe nothing, maybe everything. Carson would never know for sure, and not knowing was the hardest.

She didn't realize that her body was trembling. The guilt she felt was overwhelming. It was entirely misplaced, but that didn't matter. None of it mattered. Peeta, Annie, and Johanna were tortured in the Capitol. They scrambled Peeta's brain. He would never be himself again.

Guilt was a funny feeling. It eats away at the mind.

Carson had her head in her hands. Eyes clenched shut as she tried to steady her breathing. What happened to the other Victors wasn't her fault. She knew that, but still. The guilt eats away at her.

Suddenly a hand was placed on her shoulder. Carson jumped backward. Their hand dropped to their side as she moved away. The person standing in front of her was Pollux. He put his hands in the air as if he was shocked by her surprised reaction. "Sorry," Carson whispered. "You scared me."

Pollux quickly realized that she was upset, but not by him. "Sorry," he signed. "I tend to do that. I can't announce when I'm approaching." Carson simply stared at him. "You okay?"

She realized how this must look and sat up straighter. "Fine. I'm fine." Carson didn't express her emotions well to others. "Um." She cleared her throat. "Isn't there a mandatory summit going on right now?" Why was Pollux not at the meeting?

"Mandatory? Yes," Pollux signed.

Carson waited for him to say more. He didn't. "Then why aren't you there?"

"Why aren't you?"

There were several reasons Carson didn't go. "Honestly, her voice gets on my nerves. It's like nails on a chalkboard." Pollux laughed. It's entirely silent. Seeing him laugh made her smile. The worries she had a few minutes ago started to vanish. Plus, meetings had never been her thing. She was a soldier, not a politician.

Pollux noticed a few things. The bags under her eyes were more defined than the previous night—the slight tremble in her hands and the tapping of her foot on the ground. She hadn't slept. He wondered what her dreams consisted of. "Did you sleep last night?"

Caron raised an eyebrow. "You ask a lot of questions." Pollux shrugged. That's something he already knew. "For the record, I did. I slept." Pollux wasn't sure he believed her. "You didn't answer my question. Why aren't you at the meeting?"

"Because you weren't," he signed.

There was not a second of hesitation in his response. It shocked her. Carson didn't mask her surprise well. Having people care about her took adjusting. She was used to having a small circle. Before, the only people who knew her were Charlie, Finnick, and Annie. Now everything has changed. "Well," Carson cleared her throat. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm pretty good at taking care of myself." She had been taking care of herself for a long time. Taking a deep breath, she suddenly stood up. The action took Pollux by surprise. He stood up as well. "I should probably go check on Charlie."

Pollux is skeptical about her sudden change. "Okay," he signed.

"See you later." Without waiting for a reply, Carson walked away from him. The moment her back was turned, she regretted her decision. She liked talking to Pollux. That was the problem. They're friends. She cared about him. It terrified her. Carrying about someone meant that losing them hurts. Carson couldn't lose any more people she cared about.

But the words Finnick spoke to her echo in her mind. She had to let new people in, even if it terrified her. If she pushed everyone away because she feared getting hurt, then one day, she would have nobody left.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Carson sat alone in her room. She was alone a lot now. Charlie was in the medical wing more often. Carson still wasn't entirely comfortable with her sister becoming a healer, but her opinion didn't matter. This was a choice Charlie made. Her age didn't matter. Feeling useless was a horrible feeling. Carson knew that all too well. If Charlie needed to train to be a medic to feel better, she would let her.

She spent most of the afternoon inside her own mind, falling victim to negative thoughts. That was why a knock on the door didn't surprise her. She assumed it was Finnick. It was always Finnick.

Carson rose from the chair and smoothed out her pants. Silently, she walked to the door and swung it open. The person standing on the other side of the door wasn't Finnick but Pollux. "Pollux." Carson was surprised. "Hey. What are you doing here?"

Pollux was nervous. That much was obvious. He's fidgety, hands clammy. "I brought this for Charlie," he signed. Carson leaned against the doorframe, taking the book from him.

"Oh." Carson couldn't understand why she was disappointed. "Okay." She pushed off the doorframe and walked back into the room. Pollux stood in the doorway. "Thanks, she'll be thrilled." He was still nervous. "Is that all?" No response. "You can come in, you know."

He stepped inside, rubbing his hands on his pants. His eyes scan the room. All of the rooms are identical. It looked exactly like his. On the table, he noticed a few books—all he had given to Charlie. There was also the flower he had given Carson in District 12. It was dead, but she kept it. There was also the Mockingjay pin.

He smiled at the sight. Carson followed his gaze. "Oh." She grabbed the Mockingjay pin. "I meant to give this back."

Pollux lifted his hands. "Keep it," he signed.

"Are you sure?" He noded. "Thank you." She placed it back on the table. Carson was trying to figure out why he was here. Normally, he gave Charlie books at lunch. Suddenly, it registered in her mind. He's checking up on her, wanting to make sure she's okay. He didn't say so, and that caused her heart to flutter. It was a small gesture than meant everything to her.

Pollux's eyes locked with hers. "I'll see you around."

"Okay." Carson watched him as he walked toward the door and vanished into the hallway. The words Finnick spoke to her echo inside her mind once more. "Wait!" Carson chased him into the hall. Pollux froze. He slowly turned around, slightly confused. "Um," her cheeks flushed. "Thank you." Carson tucked her hair behind her ears nervously. "Thank you for checking up on me." Nobody outside her close circle of trusted individuals had done that for her.

He smiled warmly. "Always." He took a step back. "I'm glad you got some rest." He was careful not to overstep. She appreciated that.

What Carson does next surprised her. "I was about to head to dinner. If you're hungry, I would love some company." Pollux beamed at the invitation, eagerly nodding. "Great. Let me find a sweater." It was chilly in District 13 today. Carson quickly walked into her room, searching for the item. Pollux leaned against the doorway, watching her. There was no sweater in sight. Her cheeks darken. "I swear I have one." Carson continued to search the room, but she knew where the sweater was. Charlie had it.

Suddenly, someone tapped her shoulder. Carson turned around. Pollux lifted his hand, holding his sweater out for her to use. "No, it's fine. I'll-" Pollux placed a finger to his lips, silencing her. He kept his arm extended, not taking no for an answer. If it were anyone else, she would scoff and walk away. But she felt different around him. She felt weak. "Thank you, Pollux." Carson took the sweater, slipping it on quickly. It was warm and smelled like him. She stared up at him, and Pollux swore he stopped breathing. "Okay, ready?" He nodded a few too many times. Carson laughed, "let's go."