-If Only- Jaeyong

Chapter 14: Dive

"Aren't you hungry?" Yuta worriedly asked as Taeyong blankly stared at the bowl of ramen noodle in front of him. The crispy seaweed was turning soggy and limp as it laid in the bowl of shrimp broth. Taeyong looked up as he saw Yuta looking at him with a concerned look on his face and slightly smiled. 

"I was just thinking about something else" Taeyong picked up the chopsticks and twirled the noodle around.

"Are you feeling well?" 

Taeyong nodded " I'm fine. I just have some stuffs going on in my mind"

Taeyong slurped the noodle down as the lukewarm broth flowed through his throat. He picked the nori off and mixed it around to disperse the soggy texture, taking another bite. 

"Is it because of me?" Yuta softly asked "Are you mad that I didn't come home that night?"

Taeyong glanced up and saw Yuta pouting sadly with wide eyes.

"No Yuta, it's not about that. I'm not mad at you too" Taeyong tenderly pulled Yuta's cheeks.  "I can never be mad at you" Tayeong sighed.

"Then what is it about?"

"I- I just don't know how I'll deal with it when you're gone" 

"Awww Taeyonggg" Yuta cooed at the words as his eyes sparkled. "We can still text or call when I'm free."

Taeyong nervously smiled as he watched Yuta slurping down on the ramen. Yes Taeyong was worried about Yuta leaving and yes he will miss Yuta alot when he leaves for two whole weeks and yes he still did love Yuta alot. 

But

There was always a 'but'. Ever since things started going haywire between Taeyong and Jaehyun, there was always a 'but' whenever Taeyong was around  Yuta. It was like a constant reminder of guilt hanging over him like a dark cloud. 

But what if... what if things started to escalate between him and Jaehyun when Yuta was gone? As much as Taeyong hated to think about it, the only thing holding back between him and Jaehyun was Yuta. 

Taeyong did love Yuta and still do. But at the same time, he had mixed feelings for Jaehyun too. Yuta was kind, caring, loving and understanding. He always forgave Taeyong and was rarely angry or mad at him unless it was about something important. 

That was what made Taeyong feel terrible. Yuta was a great boyfriend to him. Infact, he might even go further by saying near perfect. But Taeyong? Taeyong on the other hand had flaws. He had loads of them but Yuta rarely pointed them out and always see the better side of him.

Taeyong sighed as he nibbled on the poached shrimp.  

For today too, Yuta specially brought him to this ramen shop, the first official place they had as a date to commemorate a precious memory before he leaves for two weeks. Taeyong should be engaging in conversations with him but all he could do was stare at the bowl. He felt like a terrible boyfriend. 

"I just wa-"

Ringg Ringggg

Yuta's phone rang as Taeyong stopped his words and looked up. 

"Oh it's dad " Yuta bit off the noodle as he picked it up. 

"Hey.......Mhmm.......yes of course........ I dont need that..... l will take two of it....... aww okok.... thanks dad bye"

The phone call was cut short as Yuta stuffed it back into his pocket. 

" Sorry for cutting you off, he was asking if I needed stuffs for the trip. What were you going to say?"

"Oh It's nothing important. I was just thinking about where we should go later"

Again Jaehyun. It was like as if Jaehyun was following him everywhere around. The same feelings would light up again at the thought of it. So what if Yuta was gone for two whole weeks? How was he going to deal with it?

Taeyong wasn't stupid. He knew that it wouldn't last forever. He knew that he could never be with Jaehyun because of many reasons. He knew that one day, he will have to leave him behind.

Just the urge of it made Taeyong feel an ocean of feelings.

Usually, Taeyong would just swim out of those feelings and dry himself off.

But this time with Jaehyun, he did things differently.

He dove into it.

 He dove into the ocean of feelings with no secureness. Letting the waves of sentiments wash over him as he floated there, succumbing to his emotions. The feelings would sometimes be calm and tranquil as it swayed him with the ripples but sometimes they would be raging storms with waves of feelings that would smother him and try to drown him along with it. He didn't know if he was going to be safe, he didn't know if he was ever going to wash ashore and he didn't even know if he would stay afloat. 

He could only wait and see as the waves of feelings engulfed him into the depths of the ocean.