Weak Hero Short Stories

The Sleepover Part Two

Gray POV:

Get out I don't have the energy for this.

I glance at the boys, standing in the front of the room. Ben, Alex, Teddy, Rowan, and Gerard were all talking about the plans for tonight. Eugene was sitting next to me, as usual, doing his math homework, which is due next class period. 

They all seem so excited... and I'm not? I'm dragging them down. They would have more fun if I didn't go then if I did. I wish they knew that, It'd make it easier. Easier? More convenient? Fuck, get out of my head.

"Gray! Are you alright?" Ben asked, looking somewhat concerned, "You zoned out there for a bit."

I must've. What are they talking about ag- oh. Right.

"Yeah, I'm good." I can't say fine, they'll pick up on it, I can't be too obvious. They care about me too much, and for what? For what purpose? I don't deserve it. I don't deserve an ounce of their pity or care. Shut up.

I can't suppress my sigh, and for once it's not directed at the actions or stupidity of the other guys. My thoughts are awfully loud today, it must be because of my dreams. 

I've come to terms with the fact I loved Stephen Ahn, or perhaps the fact that I still do, and I know that his... "incident" did something to me. But isn't it time to move on? Can't I just fucking move on?! Its been MONTHS! CAN'T I THINK OF HIM WITHOUT CRYING?! JUST ONCE?!

At this moment, I couldn't tell if I was angry, at myself, or sad. And being unknowing to the emotion of one's self is more patronizing and taunting than a cat toying with a mouse. My throat feels tight, like barbed wire slowly wrapping tighter around my neck. Do I look distressed? God, I hope not. I need to get out. It's suffocating in here, it's hot and stuffy, I can't breathe.

My body moved instinctively, my mind was too busy remaining stoic faced to control it, as I walked out the classroom and outside. I didn't rush, I didn't cry, I didn't scream and sob at the top of my lungs until my throat burned and my eyes were red. No, I didn't do any of the things I wanted to. I walked away calmly.

"I'm going to the bathroom." I could've said, they would've believed me, but I didn't. I didn't utter a word as I left the class, I was too busy. Too busy holding it in, too busy counting my steps to the main entrance, too busy focusing on the sound of my heels clicking the floor, too busy thinking about how uncomfortable my clothes felt, rubbing like sandpaper on my skin, too busy.

I made my way around the corner, 98,99,100,101,102,103,104...

It was 168 steps from my classroom, but who's counting?

I went into a gas station, I couldn't have told you which one, what its name was, anything about it. It doesn't matter. Specifically, the gas station bathroom, its door was promptly slammed and locked. And I pity that poor, small, room bathed in harsh ugly light. For that room is the only thing that would ever hear my silent, hushed sobs. The only room that would harbor any evidence of my meltdown, and even so.. not for long. Tear soaked paper towels would be flushed down the toilet, the trembling hands that did so would soon cease to shake, silent sobs would be hushed, tears would stop.

The cracks in the dam would continue to be patched with mud.

All in the span of 15 minutes.

~

I went back to class, the free period in which I had left was still happening. Eugene was still doing the homework he'd forgotten to do last night. The class was still empty other than him. The only change was the fact that the other guys had left, they didn't have a free period. Their grades were sub-par, so that was expected.