This Time

|13| IKALABING-TATLONG KABANATA

— AIDEN —

"I see," Professor Peterson nodded solemnly, eyes casted downwards. "I didn't really notice."

A look of disappointment fell on her face, probably of herself. It made me feel bad and almost regret telling her about the complaints. I felt like I only added to the sadness she's been feeling lately.

"I'm sorry, Professor. I didn't really want to tell you, but I know this is important and something that needs to be talked about," I spoke after a few seconds of silence between us. Despite having doubts, I knew I had to be honest. She needed to know because it concerns her career.

"No, no, I appreciate your honesty. Thank you for telling me," She gave me a half-hearted smile. "I guess I have a lot of apologizing and making up to do, hm?"

I shook my head. "No apologies needed, Miss. You are going through something, it's okay to not be okay."

To my surprise, Professor Peterson let out a chuckle. "Isn't that from a Korean drama?"

I blushed. "Yes, sorry. I didn't know how to word it differently." To be fair, it is a good advice. "But I mean it though."

"I appreciate that, Aiden. But I still shouldn't have let my personal problems affect my work, it's unprofessional." I watched as she raised her hand holding the wine glass and took a sip with a faraway look.

"You don't have to be strong all the time you know."

A smile, it wasn't happy or sad, her smile looks defeated. "But I need to be."

"You know what I'm feeling right now?" She asked me, but it seemed to be a rhetorical question. "Guilt. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself when I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a nice job, I earn a lot, I have a healthy son, I have everything that I need, Aiden."

Tears. For the first time, I saw tears form in my favorite pair of dark brown eyes.

"Some people have problems worse than mine and I try so hard to resist giving in, but I just feel like I'm losing control over everything in my life. I've been doing things on my own ever since but I feel so overwhelmed right now and I can't blame anyone but myself. I feel suffocated and admitting that I'm not doing too well isn't easy for me. I'm tired, Aiden. I'm tired of trying to act strong and I hate myself for being this way."

I sat unmoving as the person I've been admiring fall apart right in front of me. Tears strained her cheeks and soft sobs escaped her lips. My heart constricted painfully at the sight of her looking so broken.

My hands moved on their own and I pulled the crying woman into my arms. Face buried themselves into my chest as shaking hands gripped my shirt tight.

"No matter what your problems are, it doesn't make it less relevant than the others. Your feelings and emotions are valid, you're allowed to feel pain and you shouldn't feel bad about it. I know that being vulnerable and admitting that you're not okay is scary, but you're allowed to let go and feel things. There’s no need to blame yourself because it's not your fault."

With enough confidence in me, I held her face in my hands, letting our eyes meet. "You don't have to be strong all the time. Everything may seem hard right now but you're allowed to fall apart and take a break, because then you can find yourself again. Do it on your own phase."

And you can lean on me, I'll always be here for you, even if you don't need me to.

"Please don't be so hard on yourself," I let out in a low voice, wiping away her tears with my thumb.