Gracie & Gray

Chapter 46

G R A C I E

My first date with Tyler led to a second date. Our second date led to many more. Admittedly, it was a pleasant surprise. The guy was every bit as gentlemanly and charming and wholesome as Val had promised me. The two of us dated for a little over two months before things fizzled out. He got busy, I got busy, and neither of us felt compelled to make the effort to carve out time from our hectic schedules for each other.

I was bummed about our break up, but I also gained some valuable insight from my brief fling with Tyler. I realized that my needs and wants had shifted quite drastically. Tyler was perfect on paper. Perfect in person. He would probably make someone else a wonderful boyfriend. A lovely husband. A great father. But Tyler wasn't the guy for me.

I wasn't looking for the same things in a partner as sixteen-year-old Gracie or twenty-year-old Gracie or even twenty-eight-year-old Gracie. I didn't dream about the romantic proposal, the beautiful wedding, or marital bliss followed by a baby in the carriage. Those became nice-to-haves. Not necessities.

Now—I wanted something brutally, unapologetically, beautifully real.

Tyler and I simply didn't connect in the ways that mattered to me.

He didn't understand why I spent hours each weekend writing my silly books. I wrote because I loved it. My stories set my mind free. They became my therapy. I was able to vent and explore and reflect on all of the thoughts and emotions I had left untouched over the years within the safe space of my fictional worlds.

He didn't understand why I wasn't working harder for a promotion at my firm. I didn't want a promotion because a higher salary meant more responsibilities and less time at home with Stevie.

Most of all, he didn't understand why I adopted my "snake" of a sister's kid alongside a "toxic ex" who betrayed me. My decision to become Stevie's guardian might not have been wise or rational or good for my mental and emotional well-being, but, at this point, Stevie was my daughter, and, other than Gray, I didn't trust anyone else to love her as much as me. At this point, my little girl was a non-negotiable no matter how much I liked a guy.

In a sense, Tyler's points were all valid, I guess, but they also made it clear why we weren't right for each other. After feeling invisible next to Lydia all my life and chasing after a romanticized version of Gray for the other half of my life, I needed a man who understood me, who respected my point of view, my choices, who was strong enough to grow with me through life's trials and tribulations.

If I couldn't find someone to love me for me, then I'd rather stay single.

Over the next few months, I started talking to a few different guys on Tinder and Bumble. Sometimes, I agreed to go on dates with them. Sometimes, I didn't feel like it. Dating wasn't a priority, but it was something that I tried to make time for in between work, Stevie, and my writing.

Through it all, true to his word, Gray stood by my side. He didn't judge me. He didn't stand in my way. He would ask questions, of course, about the guys I was seeing but only in a protective, caring sort of way.

During this time, the feelings between us didn't really fade. They simply grew into something... different. Something safer. More at peace. The attraction was still there, but, once the two of us learned how to ignore our hormones, we fell back into a much more comfortable and easy-going friendship. We laughed together. We joked around. We became family.

I helped Gray find a therapist and supported him as he tried to deal with his PTSD.

In return, Gray helped fix shit around my apartment. Leaky faucets. Broken routers. I even shared a bit of my writing with him, and he gave some surprisingly thoughtful feedback.

Some days were more challenging than others, we still had disagreements, we still fought, as expected, especially with the added stress of having Stevie around, but, overall, I felt like we were finally kicking ass at life, kicking ass as co-parents.

Gray was kicking ass at his new job as well.

I noticed that he started putting some of the construction skills he learned from work to use on his parents' house. Taking out old carpet. Putting in new hardwood floors. Knocking down some walls to open up closed off, claustrophobic spaces. He seemed happier. Lighter. More at ease. I took notice of all of these changes in him. His peace gave me peace, too.

Sometimes, while Gray and I were spending time together with Stevie, we would look at each other and grin like two proud parents. Our gazes would lock for a second too long, lingering with the kind of yearning that would make my heart skip a beat.

Sometimes, after Stevie went to bed, Gray and I would hang out on the couch, chatting, binging Netflix, munching on popcorn. Whenever we reached for the bowl at the time, his fingers would drift across my hand. My arm would brush against his shoulder. Every whispering touch and every longing glance was quite innocent, but they constantly reminded me of what I was missing with Gray.

Nothing ever erupted from this sweet tension that simmered between us, but these tender, little moments made me realize that even though my feelings for Gray were on lockdown, they were always on the verge of breaking through my better judgment.

I guess, no matter what, Isaiah Gray Jones still owned a special piece of my heart.

I began dating more to take my mind off of Gray.

In mid-summer, I met someone named Andrew Marciano. Andrew was a divorced English professor who worked at ASU. We had our meet-cute in a bookstore. Of all places. We were both there to attend a poetry reading night. Andrew made a witty, good-natured comment about Emily Dickinson and E.E. Cummings. I giggled at his joke, and we clicked right away.

I told Andrew that I was trying my hand at writing a novel. He offered to help me with editing and prose. We started dating. Andrew was thoughtful, patient, and very, very real. He was kind of perfect for me. I brought him home to meet Stevie four months after we became boyfriend and girlfriend. He was the first guy I ever introduced to Stevie. Andrew even got along with Gray.

As I started falling harder and harder for my divorced English professor, it became clear to me that Andrew might also be the first guy to ever give Gray a real run for his money.