Gracie & Gray

Chapter 35

G R A C I E

Can you tell me what happened... that night... between you and Lydia?

I wasn't sure what momentary insanity had compelled me to fling such a loaded question at Gray, but, as the startling words tumbled out of my mouth, I was surprised to find that I didn't regret initiating this hard-hitting, heartbreaking conversation.

This morning, I had meant it, 100%, when I silently vowed to support Gray through his innermost struggles. I had meant it when I vowed to work towards forgiveness, whole-hearted, unconditional forgiveness. I figured—I wouldn't be able to truly help Gray, to support him in a way that would stretch beyond surface, shallow niceties and actually matter at a core level until I forgave him for what he did with Lydia.

Only then could we truly become friends again.

Only then could I be—maybe not completely free but—freer from the unresolved hurt and heaviness that continued to fester inside me regarding my sister's death.

I couldn't keep pretending as though I was fine. I couldn't keep avoiding my thoughts and emotions about Gray and Lydia. I needed to face my fears at some point. I felt this deeply in my gut. Yet, my heart felt as though it might shatter from the strain of trying, trying, trying to be the bigger person.

Did I have it in me to forgive Gray?

I suppose a change of heart—real, permanent change—was never supposed to feel easy.

Growth of the mind and a shift of the spirit was supposed to be fucking uncomfortable. Painful even. Perhaps it was meant to feel like a death because I had to let go of something in equal weight and value, however toxic and self-destructive my old thoughts and emotions might be, before I could accept a brand new mindset into my life.

As I waited, on edge, for Gray's response, I forced myself to keep try-try-trying not to shatter, to not break.

Because I wanted this change.

I wanted this growth.

I deserved to feel... at peace.

I realized, then, that I wanted to heal myself as much as I wanted Gray to heal, too. Last night, when I found Gray, screaming and dreaming, in my living room, I finally began to see him with a little more clarity. It seemed that clarity was also extending to myself.

After shrinking in Lydia's shadow for my whole life—

After pining away for a version of Gray that didn't really exist—

After putting my needs and wants on hold for so long—

It was time to look inward and examine my own shortcomings so I might have a chance—someday soon, hopefully—to become the woman I always wanted to be.

G R A Y

Can you tell me what happened... that night... between you and Lydia?

My jaw dropped slightly.

Gracie's question blindsided me.

Yet, at the same time, I wasn't completely shocked. I guess, deep down, subconsciously, I felt like I owed her an explanation. Gracie had every right to ask this question. She deserved to hear the truth from me.

Yet, I couldn't help stalling a little, mumbling, "Are you sure? I mean, this shit... isn't... gonna be pretty."

I was hesitant to answer her for various reasons.

"I wouldn't ask," Gracie whispered with a resolute tone in her voice, "if I didn't want to hear it."

The scared, timid way she was looking at me nearly broke me.