Gracie & Gray

Chapter 32

G R A Y

As stirring as Gracie's kind words sounded to my ears, they also felt like a slap in the face. The way Gracie saw me was the way I wanted to see myself, but I knew the truth. I knew I wasn't okay. I might never be okay.

I was still deeply shaken from my "bad dream" just now. Bloodshed and violence seemed ingrained in my subconscious, stalking me like a deadly shadow. I no longer knew how to relax. I always felt the need to stay hypervigilant, to watch my six, even while I slept. The things I had done in the past already corrupted my soul. That shit would never let me go. I was trapped in a hell I had created for myself.

If I was really as good of a man as Gracie believed me to be, then I wouldn't have fucked up in every area of my life.

As a son, I nearly killed my own dad in a fit of rage.

As a Marine, I wasn't able to keep Matty safe, to bring him home to Aisha alive.

As a man, I broke Gracie's heart because I thought Craig would be able to give her a better life. Then, I went ahead and fucked Lydia because I couldn't have Gracie.

I destroyed everything I touched. I didn't deserve forgiveness. I didn't know how I could ever be redeemed in my own eyes or even in God's eyes. I felt as though the only thing I had yet to fuck up was being a father to Stevie. I hoped, I prayed, that this would be the one thing I got right in life. My baby girl deserved a good father, and I wanted to become one for her.

"Gray?"

Gracie's voice drew me from the darkness.

I glanced over, taking in her gentle eyes and lovely face. I suddenly felt the need to tell Gracie my ugly truths. To correct her misconceptions. To remind her what a piece of shit I really was.

"I dunno, Gracie," I rasped hoarsely, "I'm pretty fucked up, and there doesn't seem to be much I can do to fix anything—"

Like Lydia, my dad was dead.

So was Matty.

Gracie couldn't go back and repair her relationship with her sister. Just like I couldn't change my abusive dad or bring Matty back or unfuck Lydia.

That was life.

Sometimes, we were only given one chance to get things right.

"—I think, at this point, I simply have to learn to live with what I've become."

Her expression crumpled. "Oh, Gray, that's not true, there's always a chance for us to change things around..."

My heart clenched at the sight of her sadness. Gracie looked so hurt on my behalf. She looked utterly broken up over her own problems, too.

Moments ago, everything Gracie had confessed to me about her sister, her dreams, really struck a chord in me. As kids, I secretly envied Gracie for her family. They seemed so perfect from the surface, so loving, so wholesome, especially compared to mine.

Back then, I knew Lydia always took advantage of Gracie's goodness, that was why I never liked her growing up, but I didn't realize, until now, how truly damaging their lopsided dynamic had been on Gracie.

It made me hate Lydia.

It made me hate myself even more for touching Lydia.

I stammered, "Your dreams about Lydia, though. Damn. I-I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but... I guess... maybe... not everything in life is meant to have a happy ending. I don't think we can expect to have closure with every single person or situation who has hurt us. When we get a happy ending, it's a blessing. When we don't, it's kinda... expected. But what I can promise you is that—"