Triangular Affection

Chapter 29

3 hours later
Beyoncé's POV

"Mama we missed you so much, Autumn and Mommy have been crying forever for you to come back.", said Winter.

"Winter that was supposed to be a secret.", whined Autumn pushing Winter.

These girls were a trip honestly.

Autumn and Winter were sitting with me on the jet.

Nicki and Rihanna drug me here even though I said I had a way back to the states. Honestly their calm manner was scary. I was honestly terrified to come back. A part of me wanted to stay checked into the center.

The four horrific years after Ivy's death honestly scared me to death. Looking at my baby dead in Solange's arms changed something in me, and I didn't know what to do.

I had already lost 3 children previous to my relationship with Nicki and Rihanna and losing Ivy was my last straw. I stayed strong through the last 3 losses but that one hurt. I didn't know which hurt worst, losing kids I didn't even bond with or losing a child I learned to love, adore and cherish.

I lost 4 kids and took the risk of losing the other 4 I had. I didn't wanna go to anyone, my heart was broken and with that I broke many heart.

The saying, hurt people hurt people, is so true.

I beat myself up for it for weeks in the center. I didn't talk, I went through the withdrawals in silence. I barely ate the first 2 months but I met a friend I hold dear to my heart.

Tina Turner.

(I feel like Tina turner needs to be in this story.)

She was an older lady who honestly changed my view of it all. She like me was heavily addicted to substances. She had been in and out the center for years but she finally decided to stay for what reason she never explained to me. All I know is that lady was my guardian angel. 

She went through a lot of things and her story honestly showed me that I wasn't too far off.

I think her having the same name as my mother meant a lot also but she helped me get clean. She helped me clear all that darkness and replaced it with light.

Sweaty nights filled with hallucinations, throwing up, and shaking was made so much easier with her singing and praying. Her connection with God made the journey easy and capable.

I tried my best to convince her to check out speaking that she was obviously healthier but she refused.

Once I was out I fixed a couple of things and immediately called a jet to pick me up and fly me to Barbados.

Hearing Imani sing lightened my heart also. Solange and I wrote the song when we lived with mama. After our father left sadness filled the house so we wrote the song and that was our anthem.

So when I heard my baby singing a song that lifted us up so many years, to lift our family and friends up, it made my vision so much clearer.

What I pulled the last four years were unacceptable, and that mistake will forever be on my heart.

But I know that I can't change it, what I have to do is do better.

"Mama you know you've been staring out that window for 5 minutes, I didn't know the clouds were more precious than us.", said Winter.

"You know I think you need to stay away from mommy for a while.", I laughed. She either had Robyn's thugness or Nicki's attitude.

"I thought I was the only one.", mumbled Autumn.