𝐈&𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐁𝐋𝐄, 𝐞𝐧𝐡𝐲𝐩𝐞𝐧

if only

based on december 18.

she felt her muscles trembling, as they had been for the past week.

she thought she'd be okay, last night having been one of the funnest times of her life. how couldn't it have been? the festival was way more successful than the previous award show, and nearly all of her female idol friends had become friends.

but that little voice in the back of her mind just refused to be quiet.

the girl tried to distract herself, refusing to look at the date on her phone.

she was fine up until one of the boys— his voice was too far away for her to clearly distinguish who it'd been. that's okay, though. she didn't want a grudge to hold against any of them— said something about today being the eighteenth,

and she broke.

she'd been working on lyrics at the kitchen table when the words resonated through the house, as if the words had been spoken only for her.

a tear immediately escaped her eye, too quick for any internal fight to be made against it happening. she wiped it, a ridiculed scoff sounding from her lips, today's a happy day, idiot.. why are you crying

she hadn't allowed herself to feel.. anything, really, the past few months. and once that one, lone, miserable tear was able to get away— everything came crashing down on her.

the girl was suddenly able to feel the older's warm arms wrapping themselves around her shoulders, just like when she saw him for the last time, 4 years ago.

his gentle voice filled her ears, the words of love and encouragement and the most pure support she'd ever felt clogging all her other senses.

the memories of his wishes and promises to stay until her debut filled her mind next, feelings of betrayal taking over her senses. she quietly chuckled, unlocking her phone to pull up a picture of the two.

a tear fell on her tempered screen, another, bitter, chuckle sounding from her lips. "you liar.. you promised me," a soft sob sounded next, "why'd you have to leave me, hyung? you said you'd finally give me that necklace of yours we made together when i debuted.."

she trailed off, fingers subconsciously reaching for the delicate necklace tucked under her hoodie. her eyes trailed to the little J hanging off the chain, accompanied with a small figure of two pinkies interlocked in a promise— something she often did with him.

"you gave it to me too early,"

she sniffled again, another soft giggle leaving her lips as she heard his voice again. i'm sorry for breaking my promise, baby.. i know you hate that
"yeah, i do hate that,"

she scrolled, staring at yet another picture of them together. one of her favourites— they'd gone out to eat, paid for by JinKi. JongHyun had decided to treat the then baby NaRi to an extremely traditional Korean restaurant, one that was his favourite since his own trainee days. the older's arm was wrapped around her shoulder, NaRi's head leaning on his shoulder as he smiled.

that damn smile.

the beaming expression that brought her so much comfort, that held her in the warmest of hugs, that knew exactly how to react to how she was feeling.

her crazy little teenage mood swings he always jokingly complained about— half of the time being because of her growing up too fast, convincing himself she'd forget him and his caring self and leave him for the boys she'd gotten so close to at her own company.

as what usually happened, the girl started blaming herself. she blamed herself for the world's devastating loss, for the one of the industry's top vocalist's demise.

sometimes she couldn't remember if she'd ended their call on December 17, 2017 with her usual "i love you more than anyone."

she did.

her cruel ways of thinking just convinced her she hadn't. that they'd ended the night fighting with one another, making herself think she'd let him go angry at her.

but he hadn't.

and she knew that,

he told her.

damn her cursed mind.

she was slowly knocked from her whirlpool of emotions with a pair of warm arms wrapping themselves around her shoulders, the girl glancing to the side only to come face to face with HeeSeung.

always there when she needed him the most.

"it's okay to feel these things, princess.. i know you miss him," he softly spoke into her ear, his soft words urging yet another lone tear to cascade down her cheek.

her soft hands reached up to hold his own, using them as a sort of support— both emotional and physical.

neither of the two spoke for a while, sitting with the kids' usual ruckus in the background.

he tilted his face, placing a loving kiss on her cheek. "do you want to visit him?"

and that's where they found themselves. the seven standing a fair distance away from the girl who was crouched in front of their late senior's memorial.

she simply stared at the plaque, the words she'd seen so many times still refusing to set in. as if the past four years had been a mere figment of the cruelest part of her imagination. there was no way this was actually real, right?

it's what she wanted to believe. so bad. she wanted to wake up one day and see him sitting in the living room talking with her beloved members she knew he'd like. she wanted to treat him to his favourite meals, even if they were just street foods from the stands along the road.

if only she could.

she sadly smiled as she lifted her now dropped face, a soft chuckle leaving her lips. "i miss you, hyungie.. i hope you're as proud as you promised you'd be of me," she whispered, feeling a slightly cold breeze pass by her, sending slight goosebumps up her body.

"you're still with me though.. right? you didn't break that promise,

right?"

she waited for a second, realizing she was waiting for a verbal response.

she laughed, looking down. "how silly of me.."

and suddenly, snow started to fall.

one of her favourite things. one of the most beautiful sights sent from God, even though humans didn't deserve anything even remotely close to how pretty it naturally was.

one, singular snowflake landed on her nose, the girl giggling as she stared at the glittery-looking object staring right back at her.

he hadn't left her.

i won't ever leave, baby.. i'm right here.

🦇 ... 끝!