MADMAN'S ARMS

41

After another exhausting, emotional Wednesday at the hospital, I walked past the big entrance to finally get home.

Even if I didn't want to be without Brandon, I really felt the urge of getting some rest and alone time. My brain was over floating due to all the emotions running around.

It made me scared that I might actually started to catch real feelings for a patient, and not just any patient. For Brandon.

Suddenly I got interrupted as I heard somebody behind me calling out my name. It was a very familiar and masculine voice. I turned around to face the man walking towards me with quick steps. His white teeth were shining through his smile and his dark skin looked beautiful within the golden hour.

"Donald, hi!" I cheered as he reached my side and started walking with me to the parking lot where our cars stood parked.

"I'm sorry if I scared you by shouting after you like that," Donald laughed and I did the same. He was so friendly to me, and he truly, always acted like a gentleman.

"Oh you didn't," I replied with the biggest smile still covering my face. It was a part of my routine now to always say hi to Donald as I passed by him every morning, but it was quite a while ago since I actually talked to him for more than that one greeting word.

He was undeniably a good friend and since we went out on a date once, there was really no reason why it happened to be that way other than my preoccupation.

"I noticed you've been busy. It's been quite a while now since we last spoke. It appears you only have time to wave at me whenever you pass by nowadays," I got a little bit ashamed by his statement. I didn't want Donald to think I was avoiding him in some way, because I truly wasn't. There was just so much going on in my head, and since Brandon currently took a lot of time from me, Donald did unfortunately not get a spot on the list of my priorities.

"I am sorry. There's been so much going on at work lately," Nothing of what I said was a lie, but I actually could have made time for him if I wanted to, only if I had thought about him a bit more, which I hadn't done the past weeks at all.

"It's okay, I get that you are busy. That's why I ran after you when I saw you. I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me again? Maybe continue where we finished off the last time?" Donald's tawny eyes were sparkling of expectation and my stomach turned as I looked at him, knowing that I was about to deny him.

I rubbed my wrist with discomfort before I managed to speak out and answer him. It didn't feel fair enough to go out with Donald when my feelings were so interrupted with Brandon, and if something was really going on between the two of us, it wasn't fair to Brandon either.

"You know, Donald. I am sorry but I have to say that I really have to focus on myself right now, there is so much going on at my floor and my brain is a total mess out of all the work. I'm sorry," I noticed how my bad conscience took over and the words left my mouth like a stupid try of prevarication.

The shimmering spark in Donald's eyes disappeared along with the sentence leaving my mouth, but he kept the big white smile.

"I understand, Beverly. It's okay. Maybe some other time..." His very decent way of accepting my deflection proved how true of a gentleman he was, but I could still read the disappointment through him.

"I guess I'll just see you around the hospital then," He added while stepping inside his green Morris Minor.

I smiled at him in a friendly way and nodded my head as I watched him close the car door slowly.

"Of course Donald! Have a nice evening,"

The slamming sound of the dark green door made me feel even worse about turning him down. I really could glance in his eyes how disgruntled he got.

Donald started the engine which gave out a humming sound before he drove away from the parking lot and entered the gravelly, bumpy road.

The lump in my stomach was still present with guilt and I decided to light up a cigarette to calm my rabid emotions. All that this job had to bring me, really exhausted me in a way I never imagined to be possible for my strong mentality due to how I always managed to handle every chaotic and dramatic situation in my past. But by now, I slowly began to notice that was no longer a capacity of mine.

I leaned my forehead against the steering wheel as I got in my car, and I breathed out loudly. Deep inside, all I wanted to do was to scream out, but I realized if someone would see or hear me screaming like crazy in here, I wouldn't really appear as a convenient hospital nurse. I still valued my work very seriously and I did undoubtedly love my choice of profession.
But the way I witnessed myself slowly falling out of stability, made me feel disappointed and unsuccessful with myself.

As soon as I got home, I threw myself right into the soft bed and covered my entire body with the warm, heavy quilt. Even if the clock was only 5 pm, I needed to get some rest to get out of my messed-up brain for a while.

I began to wonder what I was going to do with this mess. Should I just quit St: Nicolai? Or should I take some more time off? Maybe I should take Brandon off my patient list? I didn't know at all. I had still made a promise to Brandon that I would never leave him again, and I was well aware by now how much he needed me. But the biggest problem I believed, was the fact that I needed him just as much.