trash star - punznap

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three weeks. sadie had asked him about the situation. he said that it didn't matter, that it was up to her to decide.

two weeks. sadie told him that she would go with a female friend, but that she could jump in and aid him if required. he declined the offer, deciding that staying home would be easier. he could just say that he got sick and no one would be suspicious. it's not like he wanted to go to prom in the first place.

but sadie wouldn't let that happen. she wanted him to attend either way, so he won't miss his bullshit "once in a lifetime" experience. after half an hour of shouting over the phone he reluctantly agreed.

one week. sadie realized, to her horror, that nick didn't have any formal clothing other than a cheap white button-up shirt that was too small for him. he didn't have a choice but to follow her to the mall.

hours later, after blood, sweat, and tears, they finally walked out with a full outfit. sadie had him try on at least ten different pairs of pants and dress shirts before he could make a decision. when he opened the changing room door and she squealed, nick knew he'd found the right fit.

personally he just thought he looked fat in it, but his patience had run out and since sadie was so excited... he had no choice.

a couple of days. sitting at his desk, blowing smoke out the window. thursday evening. same old. same old spliff, same old thoughts, same old feelings. he's learned to ignore them by now, but they still lurk. the knowledge that graduation is only a month or two away makes it easier to cope.

he does whatever he can to lay low, to stay away from the people that affect him negatively. he was never one to care about mental health before, but after that one night a few weeks ago, he made up his mind. something had to change.

it might've been rock bottom. laying in bed, curled up into a shaking ball, tears streaming down his face. his heart physically hurt because he was so in love. he was so in love and it was unrequited.

he felt like screaming, like tearing the posters off his bedroom walls, like punching a hole in his door. but all he could do was lie there, drowning in his own misery and sorrow, unable to move. he could barely breathe underneath the sheets, but he didn't care.

he hated the person that had turned him into a mess, that ruined his life. he hated him, hated hated hated him, but he couldn't hate him, because he was so beautiful, and could make him feel so many wonderful things with just a smile, could make him beg and whine using only his hands.

he hated himself too, for being such a fool and allowing himself to fall deeper and deeper in love with someone so out of his reach. why couldn't he just like sadie? or some other girl? he felt trapped.

the morning after his crying session was spent contemplating. he knew he couldn't continue to spiral like that. nothing about it was healthy. there was no way he could make it to graduation with his mind stuck in those dark, destructive loops.

from there on he was only gonna look forward, keep his back straight, his head held high. he wasn't gonna let anything - or anyone - faze him. xen's words were repeated many times that day; stop caring what other people think about you. mind your own business.

but first and foremost, he needed to get over luke. he needed to forget about him, and about the things they'd done. so he started avoiding the spots in school where he knew the blond boy liked to hang out, looked away whenever he passed by in the hallway. it hurt, it hurt so bad, but he had to get used to it.

baby steps. every day he would take one. progress was slow, and some days it felt like he'd been sent right back to square one. like when luke would run his fingers through his hair, or tie it into a cute bun, and nick just couldn't stop himself from staring. or when he touched himself and blondie just had to cross his mind.

but he kept reminding himself that the suffering was worth it, that it was gonna be worth it one day, when he could move on and finally begin a new chapter of his life. he was gonna be free. no more pining, no more dreaming. just freedom.

he leans back in his chair, shutting his eyes and enjoying the high. there's nothing better than this. nothing's better than coming home and rolling up after a shitty day at school. it clears the mind. nick just wishes he had someone else to do it with, so he didn't have to feel so lonely.

his phone buzzes in his pocket before he can finish that thought. he sighs when he pulls it out, not happy about being interrupted. to no one's surprise it's sam who's calling. he always manages to call at the worst possible moments, like when nick is trying to take a shit in peace.

his thumb hovers over the decline button. but what if it's important? sam always gets himself into bad situations, and nick would rather not get shouted at in school tomorrow.

he rolls his eyes, greeting the idiot with a tired "hello?" after he's picked up.

"hey man," sam says, "you coming to xen's house tomorrow?"

"xen's house?" nick repeats, confused.

"i probably forgot to tell you about it, but xen's gonna have like a small party at his place, just ten, fifteen people or something, it'll be chill."

he stretches his back, staying silent for a second to think about it.

"sure.. i guess? i don't know where he lives though."

"i could come pick you up if you want," sam suggests, "he lives in my old neighborhood so it's like twenty minutes away."

nick takes one last hit before tossing his joint to the ashtray. it'll stay there with all the other clips until he finds the energy to throw them out.

"what you got planned anyway?"

"nothing, we're just gonna drink, mess around, the usual. i'm bringing some beer and xen's brother has cîroc and a bunch of other shit, so we're all good."

"a'ight," nick yawns, not really paying attention.

"dude, are you high?" sam chuckles.

"what? maybe a little bit.."

"you're fucking baked bro, shut up."

nick can't hold back his giggles. he admits defeat immediately.

"yeah, okay, whatever, i'm in, now stop bothering me."

"i'll come pick you up at seven, you better be ready in time or else i'm dragging your ass out to the car," sam threatens, still laughing.

"don't worry, i won't be late," nick reassures him.

in reality, he knows he'll be standing there, five minutes to seven, putting on some deodorant and splashing water on his face in a panic. but sam doesn't need to know that.

"cool, i'll see you tomorrow in school then, take care lil bro."

when he opens his mouth to complain about the nickname, sam has already hung up. he's always the little brother, no matter what he does. it's funny.

he pockets his phone, leaning back again to let his thoughts carry him away. there's no time for stressing.

only two days 'til prom.

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